OT - Happy St. Patrick's Day, a bit of Irish Humor Options

[JB 914]

A bit of Irish humor to start you off:

Why does it take five Irishmen to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and four to remark about how grand the old bulb
was.
· Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long
holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours
through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The
guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said
Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into
the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do
wonders for Texas!"

· The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the
evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man
had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten
shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the
Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise
that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

· Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under
a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've
just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I
also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from
the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't
fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin'
politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

· Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward
ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So
one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out
of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a
red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give
up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted,
staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that
the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty
remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

· After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and
says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The
bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy
from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King
Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors
says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me
a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a
Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he
ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't
you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I
figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

· The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness
of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this
parish will die." Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who
laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the
jovial old man, "What's so funny?" "Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a
member of this parish."

. Now that Ireland has a ban on smoking, there is a new clinic for
those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine's Anonymous. If you get
the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk
together.

· A Clipping from a Cork newspaper: DONNACHIES BAR - COBH

" Due to the sad death of Paddy, the bar to all intents and
purpose, will remain closed during our grief, but so as not to
inconvenience our esteemed customers, the door will remain ajar. Tis what
Paddy wanted." Thank you, the Donnachie Family.



· "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked
President Franklin D. Roosevelt. "Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's
reply.

· A wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After services he
said to the priest, "Father, that was a damned and sermon you gave, damned
good!" "I'm happy you liked it," said the priest. "But I wish you wouldn't
use those terms in expressing yourself." "I can't help it," said the rich
farmer. "I still think it was a damned good sermon. In fact, I liked it so
much I put a fifty pound note in the collection basket." "The hell you
did?!" replied the priest.

· Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I
have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English
railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the
stations!"

· Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV
host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to
explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be
done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next
week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay
Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an
equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe
that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.

· An English MP was addressing a crowd in Belfast. He stated to the
masses, "I was born an Englishman, I've lived an Englishman, and by God I
shall die an Englishman!" Then, from the back of the crowd, a voice yelled
"Shite, man, have ye no ambition?"

Have a grand St. Patrick's Day,

[Curvie Roadlover]

After a long night of drinking Guinness at the pub, Pat and Mike were walking home down the railroad tracks. Pat says,"you know, Mike, this is the longest staircase I've ever had to climb". Mike replies, "It wouldn't be so bad if the handrails weren't so low!"
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Happy ST. Patty's day!!