G&R ALL 914 RUSTY PARTS SWAP MEET AND ANIMAL FLESH ROASTING, HUH? Come one come all Options

[SLITS]

It’s that time of year for the 24th? Version of the G&R All 914 Rusty Parts Swap Meet and Animal Flesh Roasting Festival. We offer you the opportunity to spread your unwanted rusty junk in our parking lot and try to convince someone to spend their money on your self perceived valuable crap. Be aware that Slits and Mr. Abrasive will be roaming the crowd and judging the lack of quality of your rusty shit. You’ll be surprised at how cheap your shit is.
The date shall be Sunday, May 6, 2012. Quite an accomplishment as I never thought I would live this long. This date has been approved by the PCA as if we give a shit.

The address is 2727 Kansas Ave, Riverside, CA., 92507.

GPS co-ordinates are:

33 degrees, 59 minutes, 20 seconds North
117 degrees, 21 minutes, 26.30 seconds West

Elevation is 891’ above sea level so tune your car accordingly.

If you don’t understand the above, we are of no help.

In the long standing tradition of the “Used to be Dunkels”, LA Euro Show, German Auto Fest and a few others, we will be charging for various services. See list of fees below.

Of note this year will be Glenn Sager’s yet unfinished Baby Shit Green (Delphi Green) 3.0 conversion. For the last few months he has been concentrating on polishing all the little screws and has not had time for engine assembly. Now, if I could just get Mickey914 to send a windshield to dash seal we might even install the windshield. Fortunately, the windshield to dash seal doesn’t require any screws or that would be delayed at least another year.

President Obama has declined our offer to attend and convince us why ObamaCare is the best thing since sliced bread. Instead he is sending Hillary Clinton whom we will use for a target in our favorite game of Feces Slinging. We feel it may improve her looks.

Jay Leno will also not be attending. When he found out that we had rolled the Enzo into the parking lot, doused it with gasoline and burned it in effigy to Fiat, he became quite upset. I think the real reason is that his makeup team was tied up for the event day.

Jim Lamonica will not be flying his helicopter in again. He participated in a recreation of the Desert Storm Hostage Rescue and sucked to much sand into his filters thereby killing any chance of flightworthy status. He should have consulted the Gov’t teams of experts that screwed up the first one.

Gate will be opened at about 6 AM. Please do not try to talk to Slits as he may have a real bad attitude after getting up at 4 AM to open the gates. That is probably an oxymoron as he has a bad attitude anyway.

We have redone the approach, but the angle is a bit steep, thanks to the wonderful City of Riverside rules (hereafter known as “Pig Hollow”, for lowered cars. You may come with a muffler or front valence, but you may not leave with them attached. It’s really to bad that we did this as my supply of assdragger parts has dwindled and I was so looking forward to collecting more at the gate.

For those that are so inclined, the Right Reverend Meier will be holding services in the Unisex bathroom. All denominationS are accepted, however, those with Franklin on the front are preferable. Skull caps, Rosaries and Prayer Rugs will be available for free, but are in short supply and are on a first come, first serve basis. If direly needed you can “buddy up” with someone. Services will be held in the Abenaki language in honor of our non-visiting Canuck neighbors.

The CGBC members are especially welcome, however, we know they can’t read, write or speak so this sentence is useless.

Following are the fees associated with this momentous event:

1.) Gate Entry ………. FREE (unless you drive an assdragger or are a member of the Gold Chain, Whine and Cheese crowd). You can load your vehicle with as many illegal aliens as you see fit. If they are all male, you will be charged $2500 a head. If they are all females and pretty, we will give you a pass for a donation of at least one.
2.) Parking ………….. FREE (all the nails and foreign objects your tires pickup are FREE too .. fixing a flat is very costly at Slits Asshole Garage.
3.) Swap Spaces …….. FREE, but you have to clean up your own mess. Roll Offs are available for those priceless parts that didn’t sell. Pick up your own trash as we provide receptacles for same for FREE.
4.) Lies and Insults …. FREE, but if you complain we will charge you or remove you from the property.
5.) The Feast ………... $5.00 donation per mouth is requested. If not paid, we will hunt you down and beat you senseless (which if you showed up to this event you probably left your brains at home anyway).
6.) Personal Facilities.. FREE, but if you clog the toilet, we charge for use of the plunger. If you feel this is unfair, bring your own plunger or bucket (and take it home with you with the contents intact). It is a Unisex facility so be kind to your fellow participant. If two of you are in at the same time, we really don’t want to know about it. Please keep your screams of delight to a minimum.
7.) Video ……………. $20.00 Please note the facility is under 24 hour video surveillance. If you wish copies of your antics, please notify G or R. If not paid, your video will be posted on various boards and UTube so the world can rightfully laugh out loud at you.
8.) Anything Else …… $1,000,000. We may be easy, but we are certainly not cheap (and we are damn good).

I think this about covers all of the associated fees except for seller fees which are 50% of your take. If you don’t pay, Bubba will be on hand to make sure we get what is rightfully ours and he will take what he thinks is his.


. The Menu …
Breakfast: For you early arrivals, we will have an assortment of grease and sugar in the form of swelled circles and bars. Additionally, we will provide a colloidal suspension of oils with dark coloring otherwise known as coffee. It will be brewed and served by the most beautiful woman in the universe, so please tip accordingly.

Lunch: Well, we won’t change this very much. You will have your choice of burgers, bratwurst and weenies. Buns are included and so are the condiments that you can spread as you like. We purchase only the finest beef from Food 4 Less, bratwurst from Cantor’s and the weenies, well; we don’t really know or care where they came from. If you have special needs, keep them to yourself ‘cause we don’t give a damn. You’ll get it the way we like it …. This ain’t Burger King and you can’t have it your way.

For those of you that just can’t stand to be away from cheese, we will have some on hand that can be melted onto the animal flesh of your choice on request.

Dinner: Hah, we don’t serve dinner. You can scrounge the leftovers if you are particularly famished, but we won’t guarantee the quality or quantity.

Drinks will include water and soda. Anything else, you bring. If you get out of control, we will take advantage of you. If you find our personal stash of whiskey and beer, don’t touch it or Jim Burke will kick the shit outta ya.

This event is held regardless of rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog, fire or even if the sun is shining. We have adopted the Post Office Guidelines and carry large weapons. Don’t piss us off.

Glenn and I (Ron) hope you will be able to make it. Slits and Professor 914 don’t give a shit if you show up or not so avoid them at all possible times. We have a new personality that you will want to avoid “Mr. Abrasive”. He is well known to attack at any moment and wears many disguises.