PROBLEM: Two books are for sale. Which to buy? "Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing

There was a gal in High School....she blamed her promiscuity on her grandma genes....seems she had gone down on the Titanic..... <_<

Verry funny, Howard ...

WOW!!! I'll bet that was a mouth full....

Reminds me of Richard Nixon. When asked why he went and saw "Deep Throat" 4 times, he replied that he was trying to get it down pat

Very good!

Oh yeah? I hear your Great Great Great Great Grandmother came across on the Mayflower.

Gee that was a low blow...speaking of low blows....howz yer Momma?

OH BOY! A yo mamma's so fat thread. Admin, when our we going to get our humor site? Mike, Slits and I will continue to corrupt otherwise meaningful topics until you comply.

Corrupt an Clinton thread? Sorry, lost my head.

OK, let's run with it..

Subject: 8 sure-fire ways to tell if you're gay:

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are
gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and
doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has
a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed.
And just think about how you call a dog...
"Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think
about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!"
Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled
pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El
Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one
in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma.
A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with
Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes
like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there,
too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types
of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass.
A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of
that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major
league, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can
name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying
to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to
honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time
he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold
his beer, or play with his bitch in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le
Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with
a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above
films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC
(spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags
when they flame out too quickly.

Not that being Gay is a BAD thing....

It doesn't mean youre a bad person!
Cheers, Elliot

Sorry, Mike, I'll try to remember that's a sore subject with you...

It seems Howie never watched Sienfeld......

Ever find that custom trans that was supposed to come with V8 ya bought? :finger2:

Yo mama's so fat she put on her belt with a boomerang.

Yo mama's so fat she gots smaller fat women orbitting around her.

In the restaurant they got a sign that say maximum occupancy 210 people or your mama.

Yo mama's so fat she gots runs in her levis.

Sorry, can't help myself.

All right, since this has gone down the tubes already...

LIBERAL

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to your
congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more government
programs to help your neighbor get a cow. You hold a concert to raise
awareness for the cow-lessness. Barbara Streisand sings for the cow-less, who
couldn't attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only people
with 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend. You wear a ribbon that signifies
that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven't done
anything to help them at all.



CONSERVATIVE

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?



SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support
a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.



BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.



AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts
stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes
up.


CALIFORNIAN

You have a cow and a bull.

The bull is depressed.

It has spent its life living a lie.

It goes away for two weeks.

It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.

You now have two cows.

One makes milk; the other doesn't.

You try to sell the transgender cow.

Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.

You lose in court.

You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.

You change your business to beef.

PETA pickets your farm.

Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.

Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".

Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for
the children".

Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.

The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their
teats.

You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.

The cow starves to death.

The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

Damn Howard now that was funny

Since we have gone all the way down hill I'll make sure we sink to the bottom.

Hereeee's your lawyer jokes.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"


A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"


A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"


A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"


And my all-time favorite -

What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the Ocean - Agood start.

Thank you for your support

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a
closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

and

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking
around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's
counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would
I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's
mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the
woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs"

and

News Release: Teacher Arrested (AP) 08/03/2004
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher

was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a

slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said

he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the

FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said.

"They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in

a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as

'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of

medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,

'There are 3 sides to every triangle'. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said,

"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more

fingers and toes."

We need to pull together. Please dig deep. Now is not the time to think about your own pathetic, meaningless stuation. Since September 11, 2001, Americans and Canadians have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow, SARS, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of Professional Hockey players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NHL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a hockey player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a hockey player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about hhis stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon ssigning up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a bbeach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your NHL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a locked out NHL player. My preference is (check below):

[ ] Forward [ ] Defenseman [ ] Goaltender [ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $10 per minute)
[ ] Jaromir Jagr (Higher cost: $32,000 per day)

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Jaromir Jagr 2001 Income Statement and my very own Bob Goodenow (Executive Director of the NHLPA player's Union) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name: _______________________

Telephone Number: _______________________

Account Number: _______________________
Exp.Date: _______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Account Number: _______________________
Exp.Date: _______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: _______________________