WARNING - DO NOT EAT OR DRINK WHILE READING THIS! HEED THIS WARNING :0)
Dear Friends,
My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, ³hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I
came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a lip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
>electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
>short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
>allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
>prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
>will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
>whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things
>in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
>two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
>Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need
>no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this
>particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How
>disappointing!
>
>I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button,
>however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the
>blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs
>that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue
>arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused,
>just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that
>burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
>that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc.,
>etc.There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
>(trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
>Gracie)and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
>and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a
>fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
>kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to
>protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
>would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that?
>
>Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts
>and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge
>of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said
>that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
>two-second
>burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
>three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
>ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
>little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
>circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
>triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
>
>Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
>cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
>one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
>bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
>agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
>of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always
>twenty-twenty.
>
>It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the
>fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
>HOLY **************!
>
>DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in
>through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body
>slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
>up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
>to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
>oddest position.
>
>Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
>before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again,
>do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
>Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst
>when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until
>it is dislodged from your hand by ! a violent thrashing about on the
>floor.
>
>Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4"
>deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A
>minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this
>point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
>the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the
>fireplace.
>
>How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties
>were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
>Novocain,as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two,
>I'm pretty sure.
>
>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.
>I'm offering a reward. They're >round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
>handsome if I must say so myself.
>
>Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
>
>
>
>

Let us know when you move and have a house warming party. We'll come over and help you take the wheels off of it.

Tears are running down my face.

Thanks for the play by play Slits, I needed that on a Friday afternoon. It takes a big man to admit to goof ball stunt like that. I hope you can laugh about it now like we are.

Ron,

Thanks for the opportunity to apply nasal root beer to my keyboard. That has got to be the funniest piece ever, and rest assured your cojones will find their way home. They've got to be pretty good for their owner (ex owner?) to tell that story. Await your permission to submit posting to Darwin Awards Committee.

To damn funny!

Reminds me of a cop friend of mine.

oh man.....
i gotta wipe tears off my face...

This one ranks right up there with the "Herculiner on my hootus" thread from that Ford Explorer forum a few years back.

-Ben M.

Must.. Breathe......


Ahh, good finish to a bad day.. Thanks,

We feel your pain, and laugh at it.

Curiousity killed the cat

Do it again at the Ventura Autofest....I'll kick in 20 bucks to see THAT......

Hell, I'll even push the button....

Reminds me of the time when I shot myself in the foot with my BB gun, just to see how it felt. By the way, I was 10 years old; dumb