A young boy walked into the restroom of a restaurant near Lime Rock. As he was washing his hands, a man walked in wearing slacks, a starched shirt and a 911 hat. The boy looked up in awe and asked, "Gee mister... are you a 911 driver?"

The guy puffed up, smiled and replied, "Yes, son, I sure am."

The boy asked if he could wear the man's hat for a minute. The man agreed, and walked into a stall.

A moment later, a guy walked in. He was greasy, wearing scruffy jeans and a 914 hat. The boy looked up and said, "Gee mister, are you a 914 driver??"

The man looked down and replied, "Yeah, why? You wanna suck my dick?"

The boy looked astonished and said... "No, no! I'm not a 911 driver - I'm just wearing his hat!"


-Rusty

I've got one...

There's an elephant and a mouse. The mouse falls into a ditch, and screams for help. The elephant shows up, says, "Okay, I am going to lower my dick down to you, and you are going to run up it." Soon enough the mouse is out, and he replies "I owe you one." The very next day, the elephant is stuck in the same damn ditch. The mouse finds him, and goes "I will be right back, I have to get my 911 and some rope to pull you out." So, he comes back, gets the elephant out, and they both go on their merry way.

The moral of this story?

A 911 makes up for having a little dick.

I've got one. An ant comes across an elephant crying. He asks, "What's wrong?". The elephant says, "I've got this thorn in my foot, and it's killing me." The ant says, "I'll pull it out, but I want something in return." The elephant says, "Anything, it really hurts." So, the ant pulls out the thorn and the relieved elephant thanks him and asks him what he wants in return. The ant says, "I want to fuck you". The elephant giggles and says, "OK, go for it". The ant climbs up on the elephant and starts going at it, when, a monkey up in a tree sees what's going on and just for laughs beans the elephant on the top of the head with a coconut. The elephant goes "OWE!", and the ant says "Take it all bitch."

I am officially offended and lodging a complaint my sides hurt

since that last one had nooo porsche content at all here we go.....!
man and a woman get on a elevator.and the man looks over at the woman and asks"can i smell youre pussy"
the woman looks shocked and says "no!"the man smiles and says "it must be youre feet then "

stop it, stop it, you're killing me.

What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine???













The porcupine has its' pricks on the outside.

What's the difference between a hoover vacuum cleaner and a Harley-Davidson?













The location of the dirtbag.

Disclaimer: I have nothing against BMW or Harley owners.

Okay, Here is one that went around the office e-mail yesterday.


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"

Two guys are sitting on a plane. Both have a black eye.

One guy leans over and asks the other guy how he got his black eye.

He goes "well, it was sort of a mixup of words, I was at the ticket counter and the ticket lady was hot as hell with some big tits. So instead of asking for a pair of tickets for the cities, I ask for a pair of pickets for those titties. Then she socked me".

So then he asks the other guy how he got his black eye, he replies, "I was eating breakfast with my wife and instead of telling her to pass the oat bran, I said 'you ruined my life you fcuking dumb bitch'."

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen." The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam, computers do not have curtains."

And the blonde said:, "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!"

Rusty, did you actually start a joke thread???

Just to prove that "some" 911 owners have a sense of humor, I'm going to play too.

A guy pulls up and parks his brand new carrera on the side of a very narrow road. As he opens the driver's door a car whips past and rips the roor completely off the hinges.
The carrera owner starts jumping up and down and screaming and cussing.
A cop pulls up and says he saw the whole thing. The carrera owner continues to bitch and complain about the asshole that ruined his brand new Porsche.
The cops says, "boy, it's true about you carrera owners being shallow materialistic egomaniacs. You are so worried about your precious porsche that you haven't even realized that car ripped your arm off with the door.
The carrera owner started screaming again, " that SOB got my Rolex"!

This one is going on my dashboard as soon as the engine goes back in the car:

A middle aged woman tells her husband that she wants breast augmentation, he says it’s pretty expensive but he has a cheaper solution, he says for her to take a piece of TP and run it between her breasts ever time she goes to the bathroom, he says it’s a slow process but it will make her breasts bigger. She asks him how he is certain and he says ’hell, just look at your ass!”

I've been giggling like a schoolgirl for half an hour over this one....

I met this guy in the parking lot of grocery store that two fresh black eyes and he was little dazzed. I stopped and asked "hey man, you ok, what happened?"

He said he was in line and this big fat woman in front of him had her dress stuck in the crack of her ass, so he'd do her a favor and pulled out. Well she turned around and punched him right in the eye. I said "Well, that explanes one but what about the other?"

He says "Hell, I thought she wanted it there so I tucked it back in!"

Heard this a few weeks ago:
It was'nt me but I'll tell it in the first person anyway.


I was returning a business phone call back in the fall last year. I was having a bad week and my dyslexia was really kicking in. When I dialed the number given me by Paula Miller, some guy answered and when I asked for her, the guy said "NO" and hung up the phone. Not wrong number or anything, just "NO", I thought to my self "what an ASSHOLE" . Meanwhile I looked up the proper number for Paula and completed the business call and went about my business for the remainder of the day.

The following day was one of the worst days in my life, call it KARMA !? Two of the deals I was working fell through, and I had forgotten to pay a bill, which really pissed me off. So I called the guy that was such an asshole, and when he answered, I yelled "ASSHOLE" into the phone then hung-up.

Boy I tell you I was feeling some better. So much so, that I called both of the decision makers regarding the deals and closed them on the spot. What relief I found by doing this!

Over the next couple weeks I would regularly call the AH and call him an ASSHOLE and then hang up before he could say anything. Now I know what you are thinking, if I had any real balls I would find the guy and kick his ass right, but it gets better.

After leaving work 1 week before Christmas I needed to get some shopping done. I found a nice spot to park when a woman waved me over that she was leaving. She pulled out and a guy in an M3 whipped in right in front of me, after pulling alongside and explaining that I was waiting, he said F____ you buddy and shot me the bird.

Only problem was, his car was for sale and the phone number was on the back window.

As I carefully jotted it down, thinking now I will get twice the relief from the ASSHOLEs of the world.

I called the number that very night. The guy answers the phone, and I ask, "is this the owner of the white BMW M3 for sale?". "Yes this is he". I go on to say I may be interested in the car and could he tell me something about the car, "was it in good shape?",
Where could I see it. Its parked right out front of my house, I live at 3457 w 52nd street.

I say Sweet!, I'll come by tomorrow to check it out.

Next day I call the guy, and yep you guessed it, "ASSHOLE" then hung up.

I had heard that caller ID was coming to my area, so I thought the game was up. So I called the M3 guy and said I was from the phone company, and would he like to purchase caller ID, he promtly said something about raping him already and he could'nt afford it. But he can afford a BMW???

Anyway over the next few months anytime I was doing bills or getting my balls broken by my boss (he really is an ASSHOLE). I would call the two AH's and give them the usual. It was such a habit, that I programmed them into my speed dial. Well it started to get boring, and the thrill was over.

So I called the M3 guy and called him an ASSHOLE, but didn't hang up,
he said "you still there?"
"Yes" I said,
"If I ever find out who you are I am gonna kick your ass,
I said "only in your dreams"!
he said "no, in reality!",
"you better pack a lunch", I said "cause I am coming over to your shit hole house and giving you a beat down, and that white bitchmobile car you have."
"Sure you will",
3457 west 52 ST, Is where I am on my way to, better be ready!.
"I'll be waiting" he said.
I said "you'll be bleedin" and hung up.

I immediately did the same thing to the first asshole, Then he started in "
if I ever get ahold of you boy, Ima gonna whip the tar out of your ass"
I said inquisitively," You will lick the brown out of my ass? What are you some kind of faggot" (don't really care about sexual orientation, just trying to get the prick to pop his top)
"I said it should not be to hard to kick a fairys ass, why don't you come on over 3457 West 52 st, and I'll show what a real ass kicking is all about!"
He said "I'll be right over",
I said "you can't miss it, my white BMW is parked out front", he said he would hit it first before commencing to kick my ass.

I called channel 5 news hotline and told them the cops had a big crack bust at 3457W 52nd street.

Then called the cops from the payphone in my office building and told them two guys were shooting at each other with automatic weapons.

Then drove like a maniac to make it there in time.

When I arrived: Channel 5 was rolling tape, the cops (all 25 cars) had surrounded the place, with their guns drawn, a 1990 or so chevy pickup was almost on top of the BMW and these two guys were beating the shit out of each other.

Nowadays I don't really even notice the assholes in my life.


Properly written from memory by



Erik Madsen

I hope you enjoyed it!

Two blondes from Newfoundland were chatting.



One blonde asks another, "Which is further, Vancouver... or the Moon?"



The other replies: "HELLOOOOO, Can you see Vancouver?"

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play

together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog

and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the

chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the

farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but

to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.


Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.


Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of

rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.


Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken

arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of

rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear

bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,

with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!


Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and

the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.


The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best

Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he

too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!


The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and

he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and

the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!)


"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up

Chicks!"

GWN7,

I'm starting to worry about you. If you're doing these jokes while the sun is still out, what's going to happen in February? Make sure to attend WCC 2005

It's 3:44 am here....no sun out here

I'll be there. Going to swap my holidays early this year and my flight is already payed for (ticket from the WCC04)

See you at the FFC? I'm there, jokes and all.

Mid Feb, I'll be in the garage working on the Impalla, wood stove at full bore and asking for people to post pictures of Palm trees

Back to our regular scheduled funnys....

OK, but I'm outta here.

Subject: Great Circus Act

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts: animals, clowns, contortionists, etc.

Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, in the middle of the ring, is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet two inches tall, and barely able to walk to the table.


He unzips his pants, whips out an impressive prodigious member, grabs it in his hand, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.


Ten years later, the same salesman visits the same little town and sees the same circus being advertised with the same (now faded) banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Our friend the salesman can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act! So, he buys a ticket and sits through the various acts, waiting for the big finale.


Finally, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. As before, old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He unzips his fly and proceeds to smash the Coconuts with three swings of his amazing schlong. The crowd goes wild! The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In Goldstein's dressing room, the salesman tells him he's never seen anything like Goldstein's act.

But, he wants to know why Goldstein, at his age, is now smashing large coconuts instead of the much smaller walnuts. "Vell," says Goldstein, wearily, "My eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!!!!



A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over

here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how

to get it started. " Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be

when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on

the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help

with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the

puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at

the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what

we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into

anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second,

I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....."

he sighed, .

"let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.



Erik Madsen

A Yorkshire bloke Is Drinking In A New York Bar.... He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Yorkie just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Yorkshire bloke returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say,
you're the father of that typical Yorkshire baby boy that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.

We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled & concerned.

"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Yorkshire father takes a slow gulp from his pint of Tetley's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,leans into the bartender & proudly says:



"Had him circumcised".