The True Definition of Tools



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes
until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.



WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15
minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.



TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.



CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.



MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.



DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in
foresight.

haha. whitworth...my datsun roadster was produced with some whitworth and some metric. "whitworth? what's that?"

EXPLETIVE: "fuch me to tears". may be preceded by "NO WAY!!" when you fail to allow the appropriate time for AeroKroil to do it's task.

Pipe Wrench ... used to remove various nuts and whatnot when the proper Porsche tool is unavailable. Marks each part so that you know it was messed with.

2 lb sledge hammer .... used when a 20 ounce hammer does not deliver sufficient blow force to bloody your thumb or finger. Used to remove those obnoxious nails on fingers and thumbs.

Angle grinder .... used to remove multi layers of skin before shedding occurs.

Bench grinder ... used to make parts hot enough to cause blisters on the ends of fingers and launch parts into the great unknown.

Stick welder .... used to splatter molten metal everywhere it is not needed and set objects on fire. Used in conjunction with an auto-darkening helmet to make sure the molten metal is splattered where least needed.

Wire welder .... at high wire feed will allow you to spend extra money on more spools thereby keeping our economy alive.

Solder gun ... used to make non-conductive splices in wires cut by the PO. Ranked number 2 in finger blisters.

Air rachet tools ... used to strip threads and snap studs

Impact wrench ... used to speedily round off nuts and snap bolt heads off.

Carburetor / Brake cleaner aerosol cans ... used to get high to ignore the pain caused by all tools mentioned and cause temporary blindness when sprayed near the eyes.

Do I need to send you a Bilstein tool so you can get to work on your car?

Don't forget BFH which is guarantee to remove anything!

"Proper Tool"

...something that is highly respected and sought after, but just out of human reach, similar to the Holy Grail.

And, like the Grail, also likely to be discovered only AFTER your quest is complete at the loss of many fellow appendages.

An old one but...

Click to view attachment


Harvey

The new Bilsteins have already been installed.

dude, im crying...
this is funny schit

Rhody's got a Datsun Roadster? I grew up with two, a 1600 and 2000. I ripped the door off the 2000 peeling out of the garage in reverse. My Dad had his hands around my neck but dear Mom interviened.

What do they call them "Fairlady's"?

The "FairLady" was the name applied to the original 1500 Roadster. Drum brakes on all four wheels, head was cast iron.

When they went to the 1600 cc engine, it had an aluminum head, front disks with aluminum rears. At that time it was just the "1600 Roadster".

It was killed by the 2.0L Roadster which spent more time in the shop than on the road, but the Solex version was FAST.

2.0L was killed rapidly by the 240Z.

I always called the 1600 "The Japanese MGB" 'cause there were parts you could swap.

We raced two 1600 Roadsters in SCCA "G Production" for 15 years.