An 85-year old man walks into a sperm bank and asks about making a donation. The receptionist looks at him and says, "Sir, surely you're too old."
He replies, "I may be old, but everything still works."
She proceeds to show him to a room and asks him to notify her when he is done. After an hour, thinking the worst, the receptionist goes and knocks on the door, "Sir, is everything all right?"
After a few seconds the old man opens the door, beads of perspiration on his forehead, "I've yanked on this thing, twisted it to the right, twisted it to the left, run it under hot water, even beat it up against the wall and I still can't get the lid off this damn cup!"
Full Version: Friday joke
Fond memories of the scene from "The Right Stuff".................................. 
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She laid her pet on the table.
The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart. "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead." the vet replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up!"
The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart. "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead." the vet replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up!"
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