"I'm sorry, but having a Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it
is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If
you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the
Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963 and, as you would imagine, it's
full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get
to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when
I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath
together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

Porsche Caymen S
"There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including
waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub,
and then licking his back clean"

"The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air
saying there will be no war with Germany"

"America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for
wanker"

Alfa Romeo Brera
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a
semi!"

Porsche Boxster
'"It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom"

Vauxhall Vectra VXR
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends
with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another
league of badness!"

Suzuki Wagon R
"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's
what gets you."

"The air conditioning in a ''Lambo'' used to be like an asthmatic sitting
in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw"

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater
convertable was Adolf Hitler"

Our Caravanning Trip
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music,
you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a
camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to
keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday,
it's a concentration camp!"

Renault Espace
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've
got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."

Mercedes CLS55
"Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to
actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
places quicker than I do?"

Clarksons highway code on cyclists
"Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and
therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe
they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to
prove them wrong"

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from
a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red
Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson
shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.'That is not true. What I actually
said was, ''Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi"

"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
because they don't have wheel-chair access"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

Lotus Elise
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a
firework factory"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs
and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the
tailgate..."

"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the GBP60,000.
The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different
league!"

"The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God
was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

Hammond's crash
Clarkson: "You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come
apart, now why didnt you spot that?!"
Hammond: "I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office
on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife
etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...
for a murderer."

"I dont often agree with the R-SPCA as I believe it is an animals duty
to be on my plate at supper time"

"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.
It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it
can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour
close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if
you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it
helps."

"You cant have this car with a diesel. Its like saying I wont go to
the tittie bar tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a
woman!"

Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green "During the
break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's
one..."

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of
a President.

Porsche Cayenne
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It
has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

Chips Rafferty wouldn't talk like that.

Even the Brits think he's a dick.

I'm no prude but that guy is a real swill mouth....Can't believe anyone would think him amusing .

Jeez.
To me, he is pretty funny. He knows he is an asshole.

I didn't say he wasn't funny...I said he was a dick

He knows he is a dick. The fans of his shows know that he is a dick. And because everyone knows that, he can get away with murder.

He's kinda like Howard Stern with short hair, and not so many strippers.

Zach

Yea I think that Hitler bull s--t is really funny.

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of
a President.

BBC-America is now showing Top Gear on Monday nights (check your local cable provider to see if you get BBC-A). The quotes taken alone seem vulgar and abrasive, but if you've ever seen the show and have a little familiarity with Clarkson's style you might find yourself re-evaluating your opinions about him.

Personally, I think he is hilarious. I enjoy the 'colourful' way he describes cars. I don't always agree with what he has to say, but Hammond and Capt. Slow provide a nice balance of viewpoints. Of all the TV shows that do car reviews, Top Gear is my favo(u)rite

Anything take out of the context it was given can seem worse then it was. Its a running joke on the show that they get a ton of letters every week about people pissed about what Clarkson said the week prior.

It will be amusing to see how the American audience at large will react to the "Full" episodes of Top Gear. Clarkson is very Anti-American. He will generally go out of his way to find something bad to say about American cars - even ones that he really likes.

He also tends to not like Porsche, and will badmouth them whenever he can.
I still think of the Cayman as the Cockster first (and have trouble remembering the actual name of the car). Of course there was the episode where he blew up a 911.

Zach

To me, Jeremy Clarkson is a British version of Morton Downey, Jr. who happens to like cars. He thrives on pissing people off.

That is funny!!!