THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

 Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

 Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

 The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something whic h will last until the coffee is cold.

 Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

 Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

 Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 Doctor' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go t o the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Corollary:
The aforementioned tool will land on your foot on its way to the corner.

Law of 2 Year Olds:

Your child will not say it back to you in private (letting you believe that he/she did not absorb it), but will always repeat that choice curse word, either in public, or at the very least, in front of your mother-in-law.

Law of ex-girlfriend location
The probability of running into your ex-girl friend is directly related to your current girl friend jealousness.

Law of Off Topicness
The probability of your post being moved to the Sandbox is directly related to how off topic it is.

so true

for so cal residents

law of the carpool lane

it will always be slower than the rest of the lanes

(with my experience on the 91 and 210)

LOL! sorry about that. I don't spend much time in the sandbox as some of the information contained is a bit risky for my sys admin...

A variation to Law of Variation--------
The shortest line in the bank, or the Market
will ALWAYS take longer to get thru
gary

The Law of Field Goals

A field goal kicker on football will miss the field goal he is lining up to kick as soon the announcer says "he hasn't missed one all season!"

Law of stupidity: when you thought you have seen the most stupid act, billy bob will say "wait, hold my beer and watch this"!

Law of the Sea:

Anything designed not to leak...Will.

The inverse is not operative. If you stay in your lane, the other one will continue to move faster.

Wait!

Variation on your variation! My brother-in-law actually (25 years ago) told me hold his Jack, while he tried to blow up a balloon with his ass! It worked, but barely (no pun). Still hasn't held a job for more than 2 weeks since!

Yeah, this should probably be in the Sandbox - but it's good stuff!

Law of work:

There is an infinite amount of work and a finite amount of time.

T

Law of Hotness:

The cuter a girl sounds on the phone, the uglier she will be in person. (Inverse: If she sounds like Larry King on the phone, she'll be a "10" in person)...

Untitled Law

No matter where you go... There you are.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

-Erma Bombeck

I had to wake up a girlfriend once with this one:
Did you realize that you are the product of thousands of years......of random breeding?
Rule of evolution
It was worth the slap.

Law of Moving
When moving you must move a refrigerator. If one is not present, renting a fridge is acceptable. An alternative item would be a fold out couch, but only if you have more than one floor of stairs to carry it up/down.

Rich

The law of free:

Take anything that is free and won't get you into trouble.

The law of dietary control:

Don't eat anything bigger than your head.

Buckaroo Banzai
I loved that movie!

The law of time working on cars
A 10 minute job always takes 2 hours

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

- Arthur C. Clarke

Whenever you build what you think is an idiot proof system, nature will proved an idiot that will prove you were wrong.


You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can never fool your wife.



There is a special circuit in a computer called a CRITICAL NEED DETECTOR. It
senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use the machine. The CRITICAL NEED DETECTOR then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator.


Interchangeable parts won't.

Children have to go to the bathroom at exactly the most exciting or most plot critical point in the movie.


Women and Cats do what they please, and Men and Dogs must accept that fact.

Murphy was an optimist.

The more threads there are on a topic, the more frequently the same question will be asked.
Corollary: people can't find the search function.

Corollary: You cannot determine in advance on which side of the bread to put the jelly . . . .

and a few more

 The Spare Parts Principle:
The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part--and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.

 Watson's Law:
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it.

 Westheimer's Rule:
To estimate the time it takes to do something, multiply the time you think it should take by two, then change the unit of measure to the next heighest unit--thus one should allocate 2 days to complete a 1-hour task (seems to apply pretty well to working on 35+ year-old cars)

My personal favorite:

 Son's Law of Working on Anything:
If it jams--force it. If it breaks, Dad needed to replace it anyways . . . .

There are always a few parts left over after reassembly.

The law of perfection:

Contrary to popular belief perfection does exist. Unfortunately it's very difficult to recognize. It is typically found somewhere between when you start trying to make something perfect and when you realize you've gone too far.

or not enough for the reassembly

Kids in back seats causes accidents...Accidents in back seats causes kids....

...Unless it's a customer's car and you charge by the hour. Then it'll take... well... ten minutes!

The messin' with it law
If it is running OK and you decide to mess with it, it won't run right after you messed with it.
Tom

a bird that has eaten black/blueberries will crap on your freshly washed white car.

k

A hand in the bush is better than a bird in the hand.

Knox's first law of Social Work:

It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

That's not true. Maybe on somethings but not the majority.

I don't know if these really apply.

Dubelko's Postulate:

Hot glass looks like cold glass.

(Named after Mike Dubelko back in H.S. chemistry)

If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.

Firesyn Theatre, I think.

I thought is was easier to beg for forgiveness then get permission.

another favorite
better to live on your feet then die on your knees

The rule of laws:

Laws were made to be broken.

All cars subconsciously wish to kill their occupants, except for Porsches which make their intentions abundantly clear

With enough lube, anything will fit

Rule of Cats vs Dogs:

Dogs have a master....cats have a staff.....

The Law of German Shepherd vs. Chihuahua........

A Chihuahua should not be allowed to run loose unsupervised. The Shepherd will always win.

Does this knowledge come from your transmission repair experience, or from other life experiences?

Conversely, the shepherd owner will ultimately lose