Joke: The 911 Hat, if you are easily offended... don't open Options

[Rusty]

A young boy walked into the restroom of a restaurant near Lime Rock. As he was washing his hands, a man walked in wearing slacks, a starched shirt and a 911 hat. The boy looked up in awe and asked, "Gee mister... are you a 911 driver?"

The guy puffed up, smiled and replied, "Yes, son, I sure am."

The boy asked if he could wear the man's hat for a minute. The man agreed, and walked into a stall.

A moment later, a guy walked in. He was greasy, wearing scruffy jeans and a 914 hat. The boy looked up and said, "Gee mister, are you a 914 driver??"

The man looked down and replied, "Yeah, why? You wanna suck my dick?"

The boy looked astonished and said... "No, no! I'm not a 911 driver - I'm just wearing his hat!"


-Rusty (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smoke.gif)

[Thorshammer]

Heard this a few weeks ago:
It was'nt me but I'll tell it in the first person anyway.


I was returning a business phone call back in the fall last year. I was having a bad week and my dyslexia was really kicking in. When I dialed the number given me by Paula Miller, some guy answered and when I asked for her, the guy said "NO" and hung up the phone. Not wrong number or anything, just "NO", I thought to my self "what an ASSHOLE" . Meanwhile I looked up the proper number for Paula and completed the business call and went about my business for the remainder of the day.

The following day was one of the worst days in my life, call it KARMA !? Two of the deals I was working fell through, and I had forgotten to pay a bill, which really pissed me off. So I called the guy that was such an asshole, and when he answered, I yelled "ASSHOLE" into the phone then hung-up.

Boy I tell you I was feeling some better. So much so, that I called both of the decision makers regarding the deals and closed them on the spot. What relief I found by doing this!

Over the next couple weeks I would regularly call the AH and call him an ASSHOLE and then hang up before he could say anything. Now I know what you are thinking, if I had any real balls I would find the guy and kick his ass right, but it gets better.

After leaving work 1 week before Christmas I needed to get some shopping done. I found a nice spot to park when a woman waved me over that she was leaving. She pulled out and a guy in an M3 whipped in right in front of me, after pulling alongside and explaining that I was waiting, he said F____ you buddy and shot me the bird.

Only problem was, his car was for sale and the phone number was on the back window.

As I carefully jotted it down, thinking now I will get twice the relief from the ASSHOLEs of the world.

I called the number that very night. The guy answers the phone, and I ask, "is this the owner of the white BMW M3 for sale?". "Yes this is he". I go on to say I may be interested in the car and could he tell me something about the car, "was it in good shape?",
Where could I see it. Its parked right out front of my house, I live at 3457 w 52nd street.

I say Sweet!, I'll come by tomorrow to check it out.

Next day I call the guy, and yep you guessed it, "ASSHOLE" then hung up.

I had heard that caller ID was coming to my area, so I thought the game was up. So I called the M3 guy and said I was from the phone company, and would he like to purchase caller ID, he promtly said something about raping him already and he could'nt afford it. But he can afford a BMW???

Anyway over the next few months anytime I was doing bills or getting my balls broken by my boss (he really is an ASSHOLE). I would call the two AH's and give them the usual. It was such a habit, that I programmed them into my speed dial. Well it started to get boring, and the thrill was over.

So I called the M3 guy and called him an ASSHOLE, but didn't hang up,
he said "you still there?"
"Yes" I said,
"If I ever find out who you are I am gonna kick your ass,
I said "only in your dreams"!
he said "no, in reality!",
"you better pack a lunch", I said "cause I am coming over to your shit hole house and giving you a beat down, and that white bitchmobile car you have."
"Sure you will",
3457 west 52 ST, Is where I am on my way to, better be ready!.
"I'll be waiting" he said.
I said "you'll be bleedin" and hung up.

I immediately did the same thing to the first asshole, Then he started in "
if I ever get ahold of you boy, Ima gonna whip the tar out of your ass"
I said inquisitively," You will lick the brown out of my ass? What are you some kind of faggot" (don't really care about sexual orientation, just trying to get the prick to pop his top)
"I said it should not be to hard to kick a fairys ass, why don't you come on over 3457 West 52 st, and I'll show what a real ass kicking is all about!"
He said "I'll be right over",
I said "you can't miss it, my white BMW is parked out front", he said he would hit it first before commencing to kick my ass.

I called channel 5 news hotline and told them the cops had a big crack bust at 3457W 52nd street.

Then called the cops from the payphone in my office building and told them two guys were shooting at each other with automatic weapons.

Then drove like a maniac to make it there in time.

When I arrived: Channel 5 was rolling tape, the cops (all 25 cars) had surrounded the place, with their guns drawn, a 1990 or so chevy pickup was almost on top of the BMW and these two guys were beating the shit out of each other.

Nowadays I don't really even notice the assholes in my life.


Properly written from memory by



Erik Madsen

I hope you enjoyed it!