Travlels With Mikey, There's 36 hours I won't get back Options

[Howard]

Friday, September 1, Westlake Village, 4pm. It was hot. Working the garage detail and listening to honey do suggestions for the weekend, logged into club site. Read Z's lonely guy post with cry for help. Figuring that's what partners are for (get me out of this place before I kill someone), I agree to accompany him on his NARP mission to recover the Chalice and Golden Fleece.

We meet at the Mesa Cafe, a hotbed of criminal types in Santa Barbara. He's hard to spot at first. Arriving in a giant Yukon towing a new 'No Bad Days Racing' trailer, he completes the guise dressed as a football ref, complete with striped shirt, funny little white pants, knickers, cleats and goofy hat. Just to make sure I (and everyone else in the place) notices him, he blows his whistle and throws a flag in my general direction.

Beating a hasty retreat, I suggest he may want to wear something less noticible. Agreeing, he dons the 'Bite Me' Tshirt with a big Alaskan mosquito, a little gift I found for him on my last mission. Decides to change his pants and shoes (in the parking lot), and only one problem remains. He smells like a French whore after a hot night in Marseilles. But he quietly ducks into Sav-On and steals some deodorant. Trust me, this whole episode is better without pictures.

Friday, September 1, Santa Barbara, 10pm. The heat of the day and some of Mike's BO is gone, we hit the road to Napa. Being NARP's we are well trained and equipped for the mission. Giant bag of Butterfingers, beverages, and cigarettes. The Yukon has the right stuff, too. 26 speaker 12,000 watt stereo tries vainly to drown out the Valentine beeper and Jill, my GPS byotch that keeps sceaming at every missed turn. But the Mexican country music is sweet, the Yukon purrs, we take turns napping and driving. We stop for a bite in Solvang where Mike convinces the waiter we are gay and on our Honeymoon.

Traffic is light, we make good time, and only a few minor incidents. Heading thru Gonzalez, Martinez, Gomez (I always get those places confused) the cabin fills with the unmistakeable aroma of ripe greenus fartus domesticus. Z insists that it isn't him, babbles something about Hydrogen Sulfides as a byproduct of oil refining, and drifts back to sleep. Whatever. Just as I begin to recover, we hit Gilroy with garlic harvest and my eyes begin to tear again.

Then, Jill says we will arrive at Mark's around 3:30am, so Mike suggests we take a side trip to pick up his Cabrio hardtop. "It's not far from Napa". Right. Somewhere halfway between Sacramento and Reno we arrive for the top. Still early, so we grab a quick nap in the Yukon before waking our contact.

Saturday, September 2, BFE, 7:30am. It was brisk. The exchange goes smoothly, and we hit the road again for Napa. Tune in tomorrow for the second installment, when we learn about:
6 egg omelettes, Z's fabulous new car, Mark's home in paradise, Admins that hide behind trees to avoid seeing you, 914's that don't wave back. Food fights in nice restaurants, phone support from NARP central, and complete replay of script from 'Blazing Saddles'.

PS. Mike, after having dinner with your 12 year old daughters, suggest you visit armoredundergarments.com now. You'll be glad you did.