To: The moron in the Saturn, OT rant Options

[Dave_Darling]

An open letter to the clueless bastard driving the newish Saturn, who was in front of me this morning.

Yes, sir--to you, whomever the hell you are.

Now, I realize that you don't really know how to drive. I'm OK with that, really I am. I can plan for it, work around it, generally just get ahead of you so I don't have to deal with you in my life.

I also realize that you were emasculated at some point in your life. I can cope with that too, simply by assuming you will act like a ball-less dipshit. I also realize that you have no clue what that skinny pedal to the right is, and that you think you might be allergic to that. I can deal with that, it mostly makes you easier to get around.

But I really, really do wish that the Driving School for Clueless Ball-less Morons had explained a few things to you.

First, when you get to an on-ramp, it is a Bad Idea to stop at the very end of the ramp. Why? Because that gives you less room to accelerate into traffic, meaning you need a larger gap to merge into.

Second, a gap that is between five and ten seconds in length really is large enough. Even your shit-box Saturn (sorry, that's redundant I know!) can get up to speed in that stretch of time. Seriously.

Third, there just might be someone behind you who has to sit and watch you let three or four of those gaps go by, without your car moving a single fucking inch! (I take that back, you let the car roll forward 2 feet near the end of that third gap.) Said observer might, just possibly, get a little bit annoyed with you and honk their horn, as if to say "Wake up, asshole!!"

Fourth, your reaction to said honking should not be to try to merge into a space that is far too small for your car, particularly in light of your reluctance to use the long skinny pedal on the right. The other drivers on the road, as you may have noticed, become slightly unhappy when you do that.

Fifth, by ignoring all of the above, you have waived the right (for both you and your microcephalic passenger) to give me the finger when I pass you.

I suggest that you go to DMV, hand them your license, and tell them that you are too fucking stupid to operate a motor vehicle. This will save some irate motorist down the road the trouble of buying a rocket-propelled grenade and blowing your car into flaming shreds with you inside of it.

Thank you for your attention, Mister Saturn Driver.

--DD