An open letter to the clueless bastard driving the newish Saturn, who was in front of me this morning.

Yes, sir--to you, whomever the hell you are.

Now, I realize that you don't really know how to drive. I'm OK with that, really I am. I can plan for it, work around it, generally just get ahead of you so I don't have to deal with you in my life.

I also realize that you were emasculated at some point in your life. I can cope with that too, simply by assuming you will act like a ball-less dipshit. I also realize that you have no clue what that skinny pedal to the right is, and that you think you might be allergic to that. I can deal with that, it mostly makes you easier to get around.

But I really, really do wish that the Driving School for Clueless Ball-less Morons had explained a few things to you.

First, when you get to an on-ramp, it is a Bad Idea to stop at the very end of the ramp. Why? Because that gives you less room to accelerate into traffic, meaning you need a larger gap to merge into.

Second, a gap that is between five and ten seconds in length really is large enough. Even your shit-box Saturn (sorry, that's redundant I know!) can get up to speed in that stretch of time. Seriously.

Third, there just might be someone behind you who has to sit and watch you let three or four of those gaps go by, without your car moving a single fucking inch! (I take that back, you let the car roll forward 2 feet near the end of that third gap.) Said observer might, just possibly, get a little bit annoyed with you and honk their horn, as if to say "Wake up, asshole!!"

Fourth, your reaction to said honking should not be to try to merge into a space that is far too small for your car, particularly in light of your reluctance to use the long skinny pedal on the right. The other drivers on the road, as you may have noticed, become slightly unhappy when you do that.

Fifth, by ignoring all of the above, you have waived the right (for both you and your microcephalic passenger) to give me the finger when I pass you.

I suggest that you go to DMV, hand them your license, and tell them that you are too fucking stupid to operate a motor vehicle. This will save some irate motorist down the road the trouble of buying a rocket-propelled grenade and blowing your car into flaming shreds with you inside of it.

Thank you for your attention, Mister Saturn Driver.

--DD

Wooof.....are WE related?

Excellent post, could not have done better.

Thank you Dave! I needed a chuckle, even if it was at your missery.

Hey Dave, that same guy was in Seattle yesterday!!!Maybe they are a secret covert terrorist group that is out to destroy the sanity of good American citizens.


Geoff

Dave,

I know how you feel. I don't honk my horn at anybody. Could have thrown a cap your way instead of a finger.

Carlos

Thanks Dave!
I feel sooooo good,knowing I'm not the only one out "Thinking" of the same thing!
Fidiot drivers!

Hey, I know that asshole. He was in the foursome in front of me last week!

Was this by chance the shoreline onramp going south on 101? Dipshits always merge at 20mph with me behind them, so the person that has the highest chances of being rear ended is me, even though it's the jerkoff in front of me that's deluded enough to think he can get on a speeding freeway at that speed.

Jen

This should be posted under 'rants and raves' on craigslist.

He gets around....he was at a stop sign here yesterday driving a Tarus.

Gave me the same finger when I told him it said Stop, not give up!

Dave is this part of your "I'm pissed off at the world" demeanor lately or are bad drivers always a sore spot for you?

That guy (or whatever) was in Boston on Friday!

I gotta remember that one

Dave, yer gud, man yer GUD Drive a bigassed Cadillac & bulldoze dem slowassholes outta da way!

....b

This is not a recent thing...

For some reason, there are a whole lot of people who simply have not figured out the whole "merging into traffic" thing. They go to the very end of the ramp and stop, they're afraid to use the accelerator pedal, and they have to wait for a half-mile-long gap before they'll even consider moving. And this has been one of the major pet peeves of mine, at least on the road, for many years.

I felt the need to rant because this one was particularly egregious, plus he stupidly went out straight into traffic after I honked at him, plus his passenger flipped me off as I went by.

Oh, and it was one of the ramps onto the Central Expwy, not onto 101.

--DD

I think that guy drives several different cars in several different places. Somethimes I think the has clones because he seems to be Everywhere that I am at any given point in time.

I have my horn set on a toggle switch. That way when im driving, I can just have it on constantly as it seems thats how often I need to use my horn.

Hahahahahaha... That's funny Dave.


Central Expwy is like a training freeway... If you can't merge onto that you have ISSUES.

The other day we were 3 cars merging together on the highway. Suddenly the firts one decided he coudn't make it and stepped on the brakes while the second one was probably checking his dead angle. Of course he read-ended it in full acceleration. I was lucky enough to be in the third car as a passenger and we missed them by a few inches.

lmao

Okay, I'm back in my chair

I had a older lady about 2 years ago decide that she didn't want to go north on I-270 so she was backing down the clover leaf, in the middle of the lane, waving and mouthing something at the people that wouldn't get out of her way!!...I've got it! This 'older' lady must be your "Shit-Box" driver's mother

Wow, small world!!

Good one, Dave. Is that Saturn driver a 914 Clubber? LOL!

I've noticed cell-phone using drivers display similar behavior. It as if the cell-phone inserts a probe into their brain and sucks the ability to concentrate right out of their heads!

I just completed a long weekend on the road. My pet peeves include drivers who will not get off their brake pedals and effing go and drivers who when they make a mistake or miss a turn are determined to stop in traffic, change lanes wildly, and basically do anything rather than move down the road to the next intersection and turn around. Off the soapbox, now!

Mike

Somehow this manuver does not suprise me...

You need a $50 F150 or a dodge Dart

"Ramming Speed!"

is it wrong to Swerve at stupid people like this, as you pass them?

No? Good, didn't think so!


Just think Dave, get yer 914 running, and you too could swerve safely at
your own stupid drivers.


Great Rant, thanks for sharing.

Dave I fell sorry for ya, really I do.
The idiots here ( by the way the worst drivers PERIOD. Are Ohioans These fucking morons get their license via cracker jack boxes.
HERE they don't know the meaning of YIELD. They think that means to race the drivers coming down the road at 70 plus!
They also do another dumbass trick. Here we don't have a commuter lane so our left lane is the passing / fastlane. I'll bet every frigging morning I run up on a damn person doing 45-65! The one in the 55-60 bracket really piss me off. I'm doing 70-75,..sooo I slide up on them and flash my lights. They obviously don't know that means "please move over, I want to pass". What do they do....nada. So I inch up on them turn on my flame thrower brights and I lay on the horn until it is ready to give up the ghost. Some get the idea and move over. The rest won't do shit and stay in the lane. Makes me wish I had a RPG. I'd stuff one up their ass for certain. Don't let get onto the subject of the above mentioned with a cellphone in their ear....I might go postal. Phone goes to ear,..foot comes up off of gas....whatafuckingconcept!

Yeah!! RPG...now where to mount them

You need airborne traffic inforcement for that...

Inforcment?
No need something to rid of FIDIOT DRIVERS.
Zero,NADA! Zilch! Black Flag,RAID!

Sorry,I'm on the road A LOT and have LOTS of GRAY hair because Stupid dumb f*ck Fidiots makin' me go bald! AND I'm only 41 years old!

You guys gotta come out here and try the highways and byways of the greater metro Boston area. WE have actual honest-to-god STOP signs on our entrance ramps ( I95, RTE 128, RTE 114 etc) Oh what a joy to attemp to successfully merge to 70mph with the cop in the median making sure you came to a full and complete stop. Oh, and don't forget we have rotaries and the BIG DIG ( wasn't there a road here yesterday..oh look, the harbour!...hey, there's water in my car....)

I think the stop sign was mistaking place there instead of a yield sign....... Oh wait! They're the same!

Typical front view of my commuter car when in left lane of the 5 or the 405. Note the license plate frame. It makes me chuckle anyway...

I may joke around with my anti-Bush tirades, but on THIS, I am serious.

I think they've been operating for some time in the US.


They also coordinate construction projects - as a test of the science of mass-psychology, to see how much sh!t we, as a society will put up with.

They also regulate traffic flow by routing all stop lights into a central computer, so that you have to stop at each and every one on any stretch of suburban road.

They also supply the drugs to the toll-booth attendants to keep them as slow as possible.

I think that the REAL thing we need to do is; make driver's tests MUCH more difficult. Not for rote-memorization of the traffic code, but also, sheer civility, cluefullness, and a certain minimum level of abiltiy to handle stress (to get rid of the ones who can't handle driving at the speed limit, or make decisions like "when the light turns green, GO").

In the end, this would have the dual effect of eliminating from our roads, incompetent drivers, and also, greatly reducing the total number of drivers. The drivers that are left will be able to use the highway system far more efficiently, saving our economy trillions of dollars annualy in lost time due to people sitting in traffic jams behind morons who don't know how to drive. Traffic deaths will decline precipitously.

The ones who can't qualify for a driver's license because they failed the drivers test will starve and die because they can't get to their jobs. More jobs for competent drivers! And, affordable housing! And, our dependence on foreign oil will decrease. Demand for gasoline will drop, and with that, the prices. Fuel efficiency will no longer be an issue in the FI vs. Carbs debate. Parents will teach their children from a young age, how to be civil, intelligent, and decisive on the roads.

America will be the nation it was MEANT to be!

(that said - has anyone ever driven in Boston? - Man, they honk, flip you off, and drive around you if you slow down to 10mph for a rolling stop at a stop sign!)

Very well written, Dave!

-Rusty

We need a smilie of a fish with feet.

Have you ever heard of the darwin awards? People doing INCREDIBLY stupid stuff and killing themselves. Really funny stuff, like drinking 72 beers in a night, etc.

that bastard gets around. he was up here monday in a honda. the "lane closed ahead" sign was about a mile back and we were all qued up waiting our turn to crawl forward. he zoomed up and smillingly pointed to the spot ahead of me like i was going to let him in. yah, right. i gave him the finger for YOU dave.

kevin

I was surprised to find it much the same in downtown Lost Wages There was as much audio sensory overload outside as there is inside a casino

.............b to Dave & Kevin (for flipp'n the guy off)

He was in Kennewick this morning in an old toyota pickup. He got tire of sitting in the left-turn lane and decided to pull back into traffic. Without looking. I was doing about 30mph. Lotsa smoke. (So much for "modulation" ) My only consolation was that I've got autocross school Saturday that is going to finish off these tires anyway.

-Ben M.

My brother and I were in the 914 on Hwy 401 in Toronto (generally 3 lanes express and 2 collectors each direction) probably the busiest stretch of highway in Canada. Tooling along at 70 mph in the left lane. A guy moves into my lane just in front of me and slows down. After a minute of this I glance in my mirror to see if the next right lane is clear to pull over into. I turn my gaze ahead just in time to see the guy slam on the brakes , then cross over 3 lanes of traffic and out an exit in less than 100 yards!

Hondas are chicanes, sorry DDD.
Farmers can't drive any faster than an old mule.
Bicyclists believe that no traffic laws apply to them.
80% of drivers passing me are women applying makeup.
The speed limit in northern Michigan is dictated by the number of deer crossing the highway.
The speed limit in northern Ontario is dictated by the number of moose crossing the highway.
In a 914 you are at eye level with the knees of a moose. Don't honk!!!! They can derail a locomotive.

DaveP

Yeah, cmon over to Arizona. They're gonna increase the speed limit to 80 on rural interstates...
I say make it 100 and let natural selection kick in.

Ironic followup:

Guess whose car just got rear-ended this morning?

Guess where it happened?

Yippy skippy, now I get to deal with insurance companies and body shops. I guess it's time to pay Scotty a business call!

For a change, now I'm glad I wasn't driving the 914!! Though it wouldn't have been the first time that car had been rear-ended....

--DD

Maybe you outta avoid that area.....use an alternate route from now on....

See, you shouldn't have stopped at the end of the on-ramp like that


[edit] Ok that was cold and insensitive. Sorry about your car, I know how much you like it. Hopefully there are no long-term effects on it or your body.

Actually, I stopped nearer to the beginning of the ramp. (To give me room to get up to traffic speed, see?) Someone else had stopped at the end already, though they were able to merge in right before I was hit...

As for long-term effects, there will be some with the car. Scotty thinks it may wind up close to a total. Kinda sucks driving an old car sometimes.

--DD

Sorry to hear that Dave,

I swear Ive seen that !@$&* though!

Central and Lawrence ish in my meandering commute....

-Rich

Here's a language lesson that should help Don't Open This At Work!

...just press "f-ing play"

how manys times a week do you have to use that on ramp? law of averages caught up with you.

kevin

Do you mean that the DMV would have to acutally give the written tests in English (the language that the street signs are written it) instead of the several other languages they supply them in.

I dont know if the industrial employment would improve much. Back in the day I went to apply for employment at wal-mart, and they gave me an application in spanish. When I told them that I needed and english application, they told me that 'they only supplied them in english'. When i showed her the spanish application, she said suprisingly 'oh! Let me see if I can get you one.'
She returned a while later and said she could not find an english application and I could come back later.