So I came back.., POLITICAL WARNING Options

[ninefourteener]

A classic.... stop me if you've heard it.... LOL

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection??

***** A quarter-pounder with cheese.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

[fiid]

See .. in Europe - they have the metric system, so it's called "Royale with Cheese".



(IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

[SLITS]

Man, there are some sick MFers on this board, uhhhhhh, forum! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/beerchug.gif)

[Root_Werks]

Cool, a joke thread, forum, BBS or whatever. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new
Ferrari GTO. It is the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him
$500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind
of car ya! ' got there, Sonny?"


The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. I t cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man
proudly.


The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the
window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man
says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"


Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the
speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view
mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it
could be, and suddenly ... whoooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him,
going much faster!


What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks
himself. He floors the accelerator and take! s the Ferrari! up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh! He's feeling pretty good
until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he
sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and
there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of
his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.


The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is
still alive. He runs up to the old man and says, "Oh my Gosh! Are you OK?
Is there anything I can do for you?"


The old man whispers... "Unhook...my...suspenders...from... your....
side view mirror."

[Joe Bob]

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar...and that's just the first guy.....

[tod914]

A man from Mississippi goes to his doctor and asks,

"what kind of birth control should I get for my daughter?"

The doctor replies, "Is she sexually active?"

Man says "Nope..... she just lies there like her mother" (IMG:style_emoticons/default/mueba.gif)

[rhodyguy]

an older gentleman and his wife are on the dream cruise of their life.

the wife falls over board.

the boat circles in vail for hours looking for the wife.

months later the coast guard calls the man informing him that his wfe has found by a fisherman. they tell him a large pearl, worth $15k, has been found in an oyster in a pocket of her coat.

"send me the pearl and put the bait back in the water".

[GWN7]

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking
around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's
counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would
I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's
mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the
woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

[Carl]

Hey! Thanks for the grins. This is fun. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

C

[GWN7]

At Dublin airport, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bejeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway
is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy.

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings I ever
did, Shamus.

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy!!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engines in
reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat!!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down full!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat too, Paddy!!

PILOT - An den stomp an der brakes as hard as ye can an
pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, Paddy, but I'll hit de
brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels touched the ground, Shamus put the
engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stomped on the
brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all of
his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and
there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the
passengers, as they untangled themselves from the overhead
baggage and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the
aircraft came to a stop just a few meters from the end of
the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some
composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to
Shamus,

"Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied,

"Yes, Paddy, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"

[GWN7]

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
> Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow
> a
> break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
>
> So, he asks the man his name.
>
> "Fred," the driver replies.
>
> "Fred what?" the officer asks.
>
> "Just Fred," the man responds.
>
> When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
> used to have a last name but lost it.
>
> The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
> it.
>
> "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
>
> The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
> Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
> time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
>
> "When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
> through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my
> degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
>
> "After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
> school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
> degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
>
> "Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my
> assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.
>
> Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
> Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
>
> Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the
> VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
>
> Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred."
>
> The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[GWN7]

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get only this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins -

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS.

[michel richard]

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

I thought I had the sortest one:

" A baby seal walks into a club . . . "

[michel richard]

I meant "shortest"

[Katmanken]

Gawd Bruce!

I work for that company......

I'm definitely not going to work for the thermometer part of it!

Wonder if they use the KentuckY Jelly? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/happy11.gif)

Ken

[redshift]

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/smilie_pokal.gif)

Yeehaw! It's fun again.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/chair.gif)

M

[Meredith]

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/chair.gif)

Until now, I never noticed that the red guy only has one arm. But he can still hold the chair so straight in the air.

I need to get more sleep.

Mer

[GWN7]

Well the poor Green guy has no arms....what's up with that? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wink.gif)

Your young...we don't need sleep while were young. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/cool.gif)

[PatW]

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for Zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way,
shake schlong at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10.Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11.Shampoo your hair.
12.Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13 Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18 Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

[Meredith]

Your young...we don't need sleep while were young. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/cool.gif)

I'm finding that out... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)