Make a deal with you.

Keep the politics turned off, and I won't post in chartreuse, with a black background, and make my sig a page long.



M

Can you really do that? Go ahead. We don't care. I agree - NO politics!

Are you taunting me?



M

That reminds me of a joke. A guy walks into a bar and the place is empty. He orders a drink and asks the bartender if he caught the game earlier. The bartender says,"I'm sorry Sir, we don't discuss sports here. Too many bar fights from opposing fans." The guy orders another drink and asks the bartender if he saw the convention. The bartender says, "I'm sorry Sir, we don't discuss politics here, it causes too much contraversy." The guy orders another drink and asks the bartender what he thought about the Catholic Priest molestation issue. The bartender says, "Sir, we really don't like to discuss religion here, it's too personal." The guy orders another drink and says to the bartender, "You don't talk about sports, you don't talk about politics, you don't talk about religion, can I talk about sex?" The bartender smiles and says, "Sex, sure we don't mind that." The guy flips him off and says, "Fuck you!" and walks out. Oh, I've got another one. An Irishman walks out of a bar.

lol

LMAO

I would never be foolish enough to do that Miles.
I am supporting you. Really.

I'll remember to look behind me before I turn to walk away... just in case.




-turns to walk off-

-trips-

<_<

Are you OK? That was a nasty fall.

I hope you didn't break your neck.
Or the neck of Evangeline Guitar #0001.

seeing we still have no joke thread and this looks like as a good place as any.....



ring *** ring-g-g-g-g*** pick up***
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
" No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey! "
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead on the driveway."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool - but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
*** more pause****
Then Daddy says, " Swimming pool????...................... Is this 555-7039?

Just like Chevy Chase.. well... not at all like him, but more like... nevermind..



M


ROFLMAO Bruce!

Do you know how to cook underwear?










Me neither, best I can do is brown them on one side.


been dying to use that emoticon for something.

We don't have an ass wiping smilie.


M

Thanks for the early mornin smiles Bob, Bruce & .....

Miles makes me smile anytime.... well, ok then almost anytime (and you always thought a trip was a fall....)


.......b

Joke thread? Never! Tasteless? Always!

so he says,

'I like my women like my whiskey'

'Yah, 12 years old and mixed up with Coke'

'I like my women like my beer (weiss)'

Bitter with yeast on the bottom

eeewwwwwwwwwwwww

......b

Hi Miles,

Glad you are back!

John www.ghiaspecialties.com

Here's where I sit.

* Politics is depressing.

* Telling everyone "No Politics" all the time is depressing.

So lets kill all of it and talk about better things.

I like all the political rants as they are much better than the "Thief" threads.....

I always read all the crap Miles posts as it makes me laugh!
:finger2:

A classic.... stop me if you've heard it.... LOL

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection??

***** A quarter-pounder with cheese.

See .. in Europe - they have the metric system, so it's called "Royale with Cheese".

Man, there are some sick MFers on this board, uhhhhhh, forum!

Cool, a joke thread, forum, BBS or whatever.
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new
Ferrari GTO. It is the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him
$500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind
of car ya! ' got there, Sonny?"


The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. I t cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man
proudly.


The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the
window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man
says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"


Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the
speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view
mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it
could be, and suddenly ... whoooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him,
going much faster!


What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks
himself. He floors the accelerator and take! s the Ferrari! up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh! He's feeling pretty good
until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he
sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and
there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of
his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.


The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is
still alive. He runs up to the old man and says, "Oh my Gosh! Are you OK?
Is there anything I can do for you?"


The old man whispers... "Unhook...my...suspenders...from... your....
side view mirror."

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar...and that's just the first guy.....

A man from Mississippi goes to his doctor and asks,

"what kind of birth control should I get for my daughter?"

The doctor replies, "Is she sexually active?"

Man says "Nope..... she just lies there like her mother"

an older gentleman and his wife are on the dream cruise of their life.

the wife falls over board.

the boat circles in vail for hours looking for the wife.

months later the coast guard calls the man informing him that his wfe has found by a fisherman. they tell him a large pearl, worth $15k, has been found in an oyster in a pocket of her coat.

"send me the pearl and put the bait back in the water".

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking
around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's
counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would
I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's
mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the
woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

Hey! Thanks for the grins. This is fun.

C

At Dublin airport, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bejeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway
is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy.

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings I ever
did, Shamus.

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy!!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engines in
reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat!!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down full!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat too, Paddy!!

PILOT - An den stomp an der brakes as hard as ye can an
pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, Paddy, but I'll hit de
brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels touched the ground, Shamus put the
engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stomped on the
brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all of
his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and
there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the
passengers, as they untangled themselves from the overhead
baggage and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the
aircraft came to a stop just a few meters from the end of
the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some
composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to
Shamus,

"Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied,

"Yes, Paddy, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
> Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow
> a
> break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
>
> So, he asks the man his name.
>
> "Fred," the driver replies.
>
> "Fred what?" the officer asks.
>
> "Just Fred," the man responds.
>
> When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
> used to have a last name but lost it.
>
> The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
> it.
>
> "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
>
> The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
> Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
> time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
>
> "When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
> through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my
> degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
>
> "After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
> school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
> degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
>
> "Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my
> assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.
>
> Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
> Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
>
> Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the
> VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
>
> Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred."
>
> The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get only this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins -

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS.

I thought I had the sortest one:

" A baby seal walks into a club . . . "

I meant "shortest"

Gawd Bruce!

I work for that company......

I'm definitely not going to work for the thermometer part of it!

Wonder if they use the KentuckY Jelly?

Ken

Yeehaw! It's fun again.



M

Until now, I never noticed that the red guy only has one arm. But he can still hold the chair so straight in the air.

I need to get more sleep.

Mer

Well the poor Green guy has no arms....what's up with that?

Your young...we don't need sleep while were young.

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for Zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way,
shake schlong at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10.Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11.Shampoo your hair.
12.Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13 Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18 Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

I'm finding that out...

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you
and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what
happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

From nowhere you appeared and shamelessly, without reservations, you laid on
my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth
to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me nearly crazy while
you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone - I searched for you but to no avail;
only the wildly disordered sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your ravishings,making it harder to
forget you.Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you. . You damn
mosquito!!!

Software Engineer writes .............
==============================

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
and noticed that the new program began
unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. No mention of
this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
programs and launches during system
initialization, where it monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3,
Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer
run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run some of my other favorite
applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drunk 2.0
and Bachelor Party 7.77.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the UN-install does not work on this
program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got
this error "General Protection Fault" in
module House Security. The Un-installation will
abort.

" Can you help me, please!!!



Reply from Tech. Support
=========================

Dear Software Engineer,

Ref: Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

This is a very common problem men complain about, but
is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a
UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is
actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and
designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0
and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0
from the system once installed. You cannot
go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not
designed to do this. Some have tried to install
Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child
Support" which was given to you at the time
of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep
Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also
suggest you read the entire section regarding
General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

The best course of action will be to enter the
command
C:\APOLOGIZE.

In fact I would suggest you to use this command every
time Wife 1.0 crashes on your System.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but requires very high
maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the
performance of Wife 1.0.

I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies
4.5 which will improve the performance of
Wife 1.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install
Visual Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This
is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is
likely to cause irreversible damage to the
operating system.

Recent Survey says that Add-On softwares like Visual
Dress 2.0, Diamond Necklace 3.0, A
Quick Tour To Mall 1.0 are the best Third Party tools
that supports Wife 1.0 program to run
smoothly and effectively.

Best of luck

[QUOTE]On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.[QUOTE]

That reminds me of another thermometer joke.....


What's the difference between a rectal and an oral themometer?????

The taste

On a rainy day a guy comes around a mountain corner to see a little girl standing beside a big hole in the guardrails. He sees that she is crying as he stops his car. He gets out and asks the girl what happened. She just cries and points to the hole in the rails and studders "mmy pparents". He walks over to the cliff only to see a wrecked car and two bloodied bodies sprawled on the rocks below.
The man turns around (while undoing his pants) and says, this just isn't you lucky day is it?

sick sick sick

There's a new Jewish exlaxative out...

It's called "let my people go"

Oh, that's just not right.

This is great come on guys (and gals) keep it up until they give us a joke page

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over
>ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "That's certainly not a
>ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he
>begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
>Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman
>wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
>
>She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it
>been since you've had a cigarette?"
>
>"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
>
>With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
>sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights
>it, takes a long drag and says,
>"Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
>
>"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whiskey?" she asks
>him.
>Trembling, the castaway replies,
>"Ten years.! "
>
>She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands
>it to him.
>He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says,
>"Tis absolutely fantastic!"
>
>At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down
>the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has
>it been since you've played around?"
>With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs,
>
>"Sweet mother of Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there
>too?"-----

Another one....

An E-mail to the Wrong Wife

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man
departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the
next day at the conclusion of his business trip to Minneapolis. They were
looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the
man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to
a supervisor, but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem
and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was
having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as
Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would
arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off,
and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to haste, he made an error in
the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly
preacher's wife whose even older husband had died the day before. When the
grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out
an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room, where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at
the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot
it is down here.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 22)

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you
are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

Pisces (Feb 21-Mar 22)

You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are
quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but
piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 21-April 22)

You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by
the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people
resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a
general dipshit.

Taurus (April 21-May 22)

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You
are nothing but a damned communist.

Gemini (May 21-June 22)

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This
means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on
incest.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems,
which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is
why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone
in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 21-Aug 22)

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot.
Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves and enjoy
masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 21-Sept 22)

You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude
is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good
bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 21-Oct 22)

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with
reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for
employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores.
All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 21-Nov 22)

You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your
total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most
Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 21-Dec 22)

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of
Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 21-Jan 20)

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically
chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You
should kill yourself.

Ok Miles. I'll post the picture, you write the caption. I was staring at the back of this van and thought the graphic was real odd. (Sorry, not much to do sitting in traffic some nights).