So I came back.., POLITICAL WARNING Options

[GWN7]

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you
and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what
happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

From nowhere you appeared and shamelessly, without reservations, you laid on
my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth
to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me nearly crazy while
you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone - I searched for you but to no avail;
only the wildly disordered sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your ravishings,making it harder to
forget you.Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you. . You damn
mosquito!!!

[PatW]

Software Engineer writes .............
==============================

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
and noticed that the new program began
unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. No mention of
this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
programs and launches during system
initialization, where it monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3,
Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer
run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run some of my other favorite
applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drunk 2.0
and Bachelor Party 7.77.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the UN-install does not work on this
program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got
this error "General Protection Fault" in
module House Security. The Un-installation will
abort.

" Can you help me, please!!!



Reply from Tech. Support
=========================

Dear Software Engineer,

Ref: Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

This is a very common problem men complain about, but
is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a
UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is
actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and
designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0
and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0
from the system once installed. You cannot
go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not
designed to do this. Some have tried to install
Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child
Support" which was given to you at the time
of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep
Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also
suggest you read the entire section regarding
General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

The best course of action will be to enter the
command
C:\APOLOGIZE.

In fact I would suggest you to use this command every
time Wife 1.0 crashes on your System.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but requires very high
maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the
performance of Wife 1.0.

I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies
4.5 which will improve the performance of
Wife 1.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install
Visual Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This
is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is
likely to cause irreversible damage to the
operating system.

Recent Survey says that Add-On softwares like Visual
Dress 2.0, Diamond Necklace 3.0, A
Quick Tour To Mall 1.0 are the best Third Party tools
that supports Wife 1.0 program to run
smoothly and effectively.

Best of luck

[tod914]

[QUOTE]On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.[QUOTE]

That reminds me of another thermometer joke.....


What's the difference between a rectal and an oral themometer?????

The taste

[tracks914]

On a rainy day a guy comes around a mountain corner to see a little girl standing beside a big hole in the guardrails. He sees that she is crying as he stops his car. He gets out and asks the girl what happened. She just cries and points to the hole in the rails and studders "mmy pparents". He walks over to the cliff only to see a wrecked car and two bloodied bodies sprawled on the rocks below.
The man turns around (while undoing his pants) and says, this just isn't you lucky day is it?

sick sick sick (IMG:style_emoticons/default/barf.gif)

[tod914]

There's a new Jewish exlaxative out...

It's called "let my people go" (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/pain30.gif)

[Meredith]

Oh, that's just not right.

[tdgray]

This is great come on guys (and gals) keep it up until they give us a joke page (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over
>ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "That's certainly not a
>ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he
>begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
>Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman
>wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
>
>She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it
>been since you've had a cigarette?"
>
>"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
>
>With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
>sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights
>it, takes a long drag and says,
>"Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
>
>"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whiskey?" she asks
>him.
>Trembling, the castaway replies,
>"Ten years.! "
>
>She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands
>it to him.
>He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says,
>"Tis absolutely fantastic!"
>
>At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down
>the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has
>it been since you've played around?"
>With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs,
>
>"Sweet mother of Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there
>too?"-----

[tdgray]

Another one....

An E-mail to the Wrong Wife

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man
departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the
next day at the conclusion of his business trip to Minneapolis. They were
looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the
man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to
a supervisor, but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem
and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was
having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as
Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would
arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off,
and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to haste, he made an error in
the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly
preacher's wife whose even older husband had died the day before. When the
grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out
an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room, where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at
the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot
it is down here.

[Howard]

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 22)

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you
are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

Pisces (Feb 21-Mar 22)

You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are
quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but
piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 21-April 22)

You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by
the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people
resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a
general dipshit.

Taurus (April 21-May 22)

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You
are nothing but a damned communist.

Gemini (May 21-June 22)

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This
means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on
incest.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems,
which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is
why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone
in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 21-Aug 22)

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot.
Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves and enjoy
masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 21-Sept 22)

You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude
is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good
bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 21-Oct 22)

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with
reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for
employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores.
All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 21-Nov 22)

You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your
total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most
Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 21-Dec 22)

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of
Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 21-Jan 20)

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically
chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You
should kill yourself.

[swood]

Ok Miles. I'll post the picture, you write the caption. I was staring at the back of this van and thought the graphic was real odd. (Sorry, not much to do sitting in traffic some nights).

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/wacko.gif)

[SLITS]

"Need enhancement? Tired of Pills? Inquire within"

Ok, so I ain't Miles


Scorpio (Oct 21-Nov 22)

You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your
total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most
Scorpios are murdered.

"Take your best shot azzhole, 'cause you ain't gonna get another"

[balljoint]

Ultimate suppositorys
If this don't stop your diarrhea, nuthin' will.







I am also, not Miles.

[GWN7]

How not to be liked....

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
And point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your
Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They
Want Fries With That?


4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone
Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To
Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual
Favors."

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The
Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After
They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play
Tropical Sounds all day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name.

17. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I
Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking
Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We
Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."