OT: Kind of morbid. kind of funny Options

[Series9]

How do you fax a cat?

Step 1: Flatten the cat...

[Joe Bob]

One out a hundred cats have a personality I can take.... the kids have three....they DO keep my front yard free of gophers. The two Labs and the Doxies keep the backyard free of cats but are cruddy at gophers...at the least the Labs are....the Doxies are less than a year old...

I hope when the summer comes around that the Doxies earn their keep.....even though I dearly love to hear the trap snap and the scream of a snared gopher.... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/mueba.gif)

[skline]

Hey Mike, that is one hell of a fine looking woman in your avatar this time. Mighty fine!!! Indeed.

[Mrs. K]

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif) Scott,
You are sick for even starting this thread!
You know how much I love my kitties!

<_<
Lisa

[SLITS]

Hey Lisa, I love cats too!

Gato Tacos

Gato Stew

Gato on a Stick

Tastes like chicken (IMG:style_emoticons/default/chowtime.gif)

[GWN7]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

[Rhodes71/914]

Nice one Bruce!

[redshift]

lol

[Rusty]

I'm sorry, this is just my opinion,  as an animal lover, I find this cruel, and it makes me sad that people feel this way about cats.

HIEDI

Then obviously you don't have a neighbor who's cat scratches your car, kills the quail you feed in your yard, and SHITS in your vegetable garden (I do NOT enjoy weeding a litter-box!). I wouldn't mind anyone's cat as long as it stays off my property. I don't send my pets over to my neighbors house to crap, kill wildlife, and damage property and I expect the same.

-Ben M.

ps- I like animals. I think cats can be very cute and funny. I don't derive pleasure from the death or suffereing of anything. My gripe is with pet owners, not animals.

I agree with Heidi.

As you say, the problem you have is with your neighbor, and their irresponsible habits of cat ownership.

This is a sad story, and if deliberate... incredibly cruel. Anyone that would deliberately inflict that kind of pain on an animal deserves the same treatment to himself.

I would sure hate for that animal to have been Fruitloop, my son's kitten.

-Rusty (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)

[GWN7]

Toilet Wash
Instructions on how to wash your toilet:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[SpecialK]

A priest walks past a little boy holding a cat, and a can of turpintine. The Priest asks the boy, "Why do you have a cat and a can of turpintine my son?"

The boy replies, "Because turpintine is the most powerful liquid in the world!"

The Priest says, "No my son, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. I can sprinkle it on a pregnant woman and she will pass her baby."

The boy replies, "Now I know turpintine is the most powerful liquid in the world! I can sprinkle some on this cat's ass, and he'll pass a motorcycle!" (IMG:style_emoticons/default/happy11.gif)

[redshift]

"His eyes hung heavy, like a pair of natural 48ee breasts that had been recently massaged with an herbal oil treatment."

[Eric_Ciampa]

Bruce- That has to be the funniest thing i have read in a long time. I normally just smile and give a little laugh to the jokes on the board but i lost it on that one. I had to stop reading it to try and regain my composure. After a few seconds i started reading again but the cycle just repeated... Im printing that one up... Thanx
Eric

[bob91403]

Ever have mice? We were plagued with them. They were crapping and pissing everywhere. In my computer, every closet, they had babies in my boots, it was horrible. Not to mention the possibility of Hanta virus. We tried all kinds of poisons, traps, oh, and those electronic repelers don't do shit. Nothing worked. Finally went to the pound, I picked out a nice grey male tabby, my sappy wife just had to take his sister as well. After they were fixed and chipped we got them home and Boots(my cat) had the house empty of mice within a month. It was fun to watch him slurp down a tail like spaghetti. Kelly(my wife's choice) must be retarded, she'd play with the mice, but would not eat them. Both of them act like dogs. Boots comes when you call him, and does what he's told. Most cats are smart, they just don't care. Kelly plays fetch, we throw a large plastic jack, she chases it down and brings it back to be thrown again. I have two very unusual cats. King Boots and maid Kelly. They're house cats. Didn't want them to get feline AIDS and other deseases from the stray cats in the neighborhood. You won't find a barn in this country without cats. They keep the rat turds out of your morning bowl of cereal. We have two dogs as well, a pair of scorpions, a black widow, and a beta fish. I've owned just about every kind of reptile and amphibian you can think of, they make great low maintainance pets. When I was a kid, I had a friend who had raptors(hawks, owls). He used to catch the neighborhood cats, throw them in a trash can full of water, then slam the lid down tight. Very cruel, but I could understand his frustration. He had a few incidents of cats attacking his helpless hooded birds. My only objection to cats is the stupid owners who allow them to go anywhere and do anything, and don't get them fixed. There are way too many stray cats, and they're damned difficult to catch. Animal control won't even try. Sail cats are OK with me. Fan belt cats are messy, but funny, reminds me of Saturday Night Live's Bass-O-Matic. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/chowtime.gif)

[Sammy]

a neighborhood cat strolled into my garage one day while i was working on the engine.

I didn't realize it at first but when I looked over I saw the stupid cat drinking form a bowl of gasoline I had sitting on the floor for cleaning the carburetor jets.
I immediately yelled at the cat to try and get him to stop.
He hunched up, th hair on his back stood straight up, and he started running around the garage like a crazed monster.
There was no way i was going to be able to catch it so I just watched in amazement.
After about 30 laps the cat suddenly stopped in his tracks and shook violently for a few seconds, then fell over on its side with a thud.








No, it wasn't dead, just ran out of gas (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)
I hate me sometimes even tho I crack me up.

[GTeener]

I'm sorry, this is just my opinion, as an animal lover, I find this cruel, and it makes me sad that people feel this way about cats.


HIEDI

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/agree.gif)

[DipShit]

Don't try this at home.

One of my friends hated his wife's cat so while she went out of town on business he took it to the pound. He enjoyed a nice long weekend without the cat.

When the wife came home he told her that it just ran away. Unfortunately she checked the pound and there it was. Bad thing was when the pound personel described the man that dropped the cat off it described Elmer to a "T". Boy was he in deep!

Got to give him credit for the old college try, just should have worn a disquise!

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/beerchug.gif)

[Sammy]

Iffn he was smart he would have gone to the pound for her, retrieved the cat, looked like a hero, and still had the whole weekend without the cat and not get busted (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[ematulac]

Iffn he was smart he would have gone to the pound for her, retrieved the cat, looked like a hero, and still had the whole weekend without the cat and not get busted (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/lol2.gif)

Not bad! No wonder you're an 'Advanced Member.' (IMG:style_emoticons/default/pray.gif)

[skline]

Dont blame me for all this hilarious cat humor, I didnt kill the cat, I dont even know the mexicans that were cutting the lawn, I only made the comment that it was a little funny, ok, a lot funny that this cat didnt run out of the bushes when the mower came in. I was only posting about the tragic news about someones cat. I cant help it if everyone else finds it as funny as me. Sorry Lisa, Caca happens.