I've just finished a class in character development and I've made a commitment to fulfill a goal within 90 days. To make sure I'm motivated enough, I've added some risk.

If I don't meet my goal, I'm going to give away my car. I figure it needs to go to a good home and that means it will go to one of you fine folks.

I don't want to loose my car, but even more I need to follow through with a commitment.

I have established an accountability group that will be checking on me weekly.

Here's the story:

Twelve years ago I gave my youngest daughter to my in-laws. My wife had lost her memory from a head injury and I didn't think I could manage a seven year old. It was tough enough taking care of the three older girls. My oldest was just sixteen and she became an instant mother to her two sisters. Much of my time was spent taking my wife to doctors and hospitals. Time past and I just never took her back into my life.

Last month she turned 19. Her sisters tell me about her from time to time. I know what she looks like. I know her voice. I don't know her. She doesn't know me.

This weekend I took a good look at my life. I've been a good father to my other girls, but not this child. I need to find a way to bond with her and give her a father again. I called her Saturday night and we spoke for maybe two minutes. This is more than we have communicated in years.

Each week I plan to take three steps that will bring us closer. I know I can't "instant-father" her or that may be too much.

Yesterday I call again, but only got to leave a message.

Haven't heard back yet.

What if your goal is "Give my car way"? Then Its a catch 22 !

Wait, is this one of those "If I had a million dollars, what would I do" types of questions.
Kyle

Nope, not about money at all. Something more important to me.

ok, then, how can we help you achieve your goal so that you can keep your car

Store it in my shop Billy! ...then take it back on another day? ...or you mean like totally give it away! If so I will name it Billy and you can come drive it anytime you want

I need to risk loosing something big. That's part of the program. People around me were writting large checks to groups they hated to support and the checks would only be sent off if they failed their task. I don't have much left to give up in my life, but he car has been my passion so it's the item I put at risk.

I needed to put the offer to give up the car in writting.

I will be sucessful in my task!

What can I do to help encourage your fullfilment of your goal?

Billy I know where you are coming from!! You dont need luck, you need strength...
CCL

You have a small support group of 3000 people or so here

Dont give it to me, I will just give it back when mine is done I have faith in you.

you should pledge to give it to me. and i'll pledge to cut it up by putting a v8 in it.

for the person who much is given, much is expected.

character building: knowing you can't do it, then doing it anyway.

last week was something like that. 'effed up and wonderful at the same time.

best wishes on your endeavor.

Of course you can fulfill your goal!

If you ever think you're going to falter, look back on your thread showing all the work you put into that car. That might help you keep on track. Then put that same amount of work into keeping your promise to yourself and doing what needs to be done.

We're all behind you! Besides, no one wants to see any part of that perfect car get cut up so Troy can put a V8 in it!!

good luck. sounds serious.

Whatever you need buddy Im behind you...

Let me know if you need ANYTHING....Im pulling for you...

Steve

PanelBilly,



We are your support group. Lean on us, we will be there. when you need us.

Tom

Wow, good luck man. That sounds ominous.

Billy, with that attitude I have no doubts you WILL be successful. If I can be of any assistance in achieving your goal, just say so. . .

You have made a very serious committment and involved us all in this process by posting the downside of this committment here. What you haven't shared with us is the upside of this committment. Spiritual, monetary, relationship? Obviously something in your world has become very important to you. We humbly await the details...

One point I would like to make is your comment that others were writing large checks, only to be cashed if they were unsucessful in their pursuit. I would warn anyone to beware of making goals based upon peer pressure. The committment to a goal can be true without the fear of loss.

We await your further posts

Eric

Best of luck of course! But... with what? It's hard to without knowing what we're for.

Don't let *guilt trips# self imposed or other wise
force you into anything rash!!

P.S look to the stars

your not going to kill anyone are you??

I hope this isn't a cult you are joining

or worse, AA

remember, rehab is for quitters, just say "meh, ok"

I do not like the sound of this at all.
Sounds to me like you have been brain washed if thats possible.

Hey good for you Billy! I'm sure you will accomplish your goal. Maybe a better incentive would be. You trade your car for mine. Meaning you have to start all over if you don't somehow make your goal . Talk about incentive .

Seriously though. You need anything man I'm glad to help in any way. I hope all goes well

Billy,

Step 1: Character development - Whip it!
Step 2: Car of the Month winner March 2010

(I gotta change my screen name)

Billy

Any way I can help you with this goal you let me know. I would love nothing more to see you become close to your daughter. However, I'd love to turn your can into an autocross car if you fail

but in all honesty, I'd hate to see you not achieve this goal.

1st off, this is just my one time $.02 and have no sequal replies to offer.

I can see why you are wanting to give up something you love now (914) for something you look like you didn't love 12 years ago.

Honestly, children will never understand you tossing them to the side as you wrote in the 1st post of this thread.

So the purpose of your pledge is a comfort zone for your daughter to rely more on what you say that you want to happen, to show confidence in a new relation between the 2 of you.

By giving away your 914 you will be showing her that you are sincere in wanting to heal the wound that happened between the both of you. Your way of saying you are sorry and willing to give up something very special in your life NOW so you can win her confidence back in you.

The best winner of your giveaway is going to be your daughter. Give her the key along with the title and she will soon forget the past and enjoy every day seeking advice about her new world parent and another equal partner, the 914World.

Good luck and I hope your daughter and everyone else in the picture will let you work it out smoothly.

Tell her you love her but never cry when doing so. If you do, you lose your chance of her forgiving you immediately.

MikeCool

Edit: A forgotten reply to post BELOW.
What better way to succeed in the plan than giving?

I only give up the car if I don't suceed.

I plan to have them both in my life

Well we are here to see you succeed

Who the hell thought this one up? You weren't in a canvas covered sweat box with a bunch phoney head shrinkers were you?

Seriously, Does your daughter know about the deal you made? I mean is this something she would want you to do? I don't see the corrolation and the time line. It sounds like a bunch of psychobabble to me.

Listen, You don't build a relationship on a time line. That's a setup for failure. Depending on the depth of the hurt imposed it may take years to break the ice. You could try to make contact and start a relationship with her but it doesn't mean she will ever want to have a relationship with you.

If you don't meet the deadline then what? By giving away the car will that be the end of it? Then what? Cars gone, I guess I don't have to call anymore....

I'm telling first hand. You are dealing with a person. Anyone that tells you you can solve a problem that has been festering for 10+ years in 90 days is a fraud and an idiot.

My advise. Continue to attempt contact. Call, write, email, and work through the sisters. Put the time line asside and focus on the relationship by the day not by the 90 days.

BTW: I'm not talking out of my ass here. I happen to have a very personal experience with this. Ditch the nut factory and get on with the relationship.

Boy, I don't know, I'd have to agree with Rick on this one....

"Twelve years ago I gave my youngest daughter to my in-laws. My wife had lost her memory from a head injury and I didn't think I could manage a seven year old. It was tough enough taking care of the three older girls. My oldest was just sixteen and she became an instant mother to her two sisters. Much of my time was spent taking my wife to doctors and hospitals. Time past and I just never took her back into my life."

I'd have to think that your daughter, hearing the story from your side, she would have to understand why you did what you did. Even if she doesn't agree with it, you thought this would be in her best interest too.

Take the time, work on mending it, making it right, for the right reasons, not to penalyze yourself if you fail. Express how truly sorry you were that you couldn't be there for her, but that you thought you were leaving her in good hands.

Ephasize your love for her and let her know how you want to be part of her life from now on.

Now that you've posted what's really going on... Rick is right. I'm gettin pretty old and I still can't quite forgive my old man for not having any contact with me through most of my childhood. I never got over it and I probably never will. We do talk now, but we don't have a normal father and son relationship at all.

But, the main thing here is that you've got a self imposed time line for something you can't control. Your daughter controls the outcome of this... contract for lack of a better word. It's not something that you can put a time line on. It's going to take work, and time.

Wow. Good luck man. It's not going to be easy.

Now that you've posted... (yeah, what Gint said; coupled with what Rick said...)

The outcome of your own personal goals should not be severely impacted by the choices another individual has been offered. You should not give your car away if your daughter chooses not to accept you; as that is more of a gamble than a goal.

If you're serious about giving your car away based on her decision, you might as well let us know the process in which you will decide who gets it.

I say same as a few others; forget about the car and build the relationship based upon making correct choices this time. Giving the car away if she rejects you at first will only supress positive emotions of making the decision to go forth, induce slight depression and possibly have a negative affect on how you feel afterwords.

Take your time and do it right. =o)

Yep, Both my parents. I ended up having a very rocky relationship with my bio dad for about the last 10 years of his life.
My bio mom is still alive. Raised a whole bunch of kids. Ditched me. She tried to mend things once. Once. I think she gave away the car and went back into the canvas sweat box.

Edit: Now you see what your up against? Forget the 90 day thing.

Wow, this almost sounds like my life now. I can relate. My daughter stopped talking to me because she hates my girlfreind. Gave me the choice of her or my girlfriend whom i've been with for several years. Thats been three years now, and she's turning 18 this year. My problem was i didn't want to let a 15 year old dictate my life. I miss her and understand why you would want to go through this, but putting a time limit is not a good idea IMO. Kids can't be replaced but a car sure can if need be. For all those that don't have daughters, they don't think logical like sons typically do. It's a lot harder work for them.

I don't think it's ever too late to make things work. (except in my case ) As a consequence of the actions of my parents when I was 5 yrs old I don't have that bond. As a result of both their disfuction and mine my children have no grandparents. Think about it.

Hi Billy,
Sounds like your at a milestone in your life.
Here's a couple of ideas..... Finish the car, take your new found daughter out for ice cream every week......Finish your car, give it to your new found daughter for....?
Finish your car, Work on your relationship with your daughter and spend valuable time with your daughter, build a life long relationship, when all's said and done, have both

You will be alright, all of us have tremendous respect for you and your tallents,
It's a matter of time before your daughter see's the same thing.

Good Luck,

T

hey Billy, i haven't met you in person [idon't think i have] yet. but i know where you are coming from and that you want this more than any thing, but as some others have said. you can not control this, you can only fix your disfunction not any body else's. it might take a very long time for your daughter to come around and learn to trust you and your motives. i don't see a way that you can put a timeline on this for her. the harder to you try to press a time line on her the more she will push away.
edit- am i talking him out of my chance to throw a v8 in that car?

Rick said it as well as it can be said. I'd like to think that even if you did try to give your car away based on this, that nobody here would take it.

Throw out the timeline... especially a timeline like 90 days. You can't fit your daughter's emotions into that box. A timeline will put pressure on you to make rash decisions, and may make the whole thing look like a game to your daughter. Do your best. If you are sincere, eventually, she will understand. You kept her on the phone for two minutes, that's a good start. We are all behind you in this. Small steps. You will succeed.

wow this is the 2nd story that is so in line with what happen to me.

I lost my Daughter right around her high school year,(her mom hated me after I got married to my now Wife of 24 year) lost contact for about 5 years, One day I got phone call from her. She needed money that at the time I did not have,But we started talking and I even had lunch with her once in a while, (She lives in Vegas ) Luck would have it her mom got wind of us talking. And that was all it took. not long after that I got the dear john letter from her.....I haven't seen or talk with her in years.....I miss her.
my story.

For what its worth, Rick is right.

My dad also walked away from me and my brothers and sister when we were very young. There were reasons, of course, but that did not matter to us then. I was 6, my sis was 4 and my bro was 3. When I became a parent, I sought him out, and we now have a relationship, but it is not father/son. My sis and bro do not. And, frankly, I might not have either if my wife had not pushed me to fly home and make contact again.

It has taken 5 years to get to the point where we talk on the phone on a semi-regular basis (maybe 6 times a year). I am hoping to be able to fly down to visit again with my family maybe in spring or fall of 2011 when I am done with school.

Don't try and do this on a 90 day schedule. Its not going to work for you or your daughter. But *DO* keep making calls, and try to visit. But keep in mind, you will have to give her space if she does not want this yet.

Good luck!
Zach

It looks to me like you have already met your goals. I know it wasn't easy to contact you daughter, but as long as you continue in your efforts, you are on the right track.

Keep in mind, the decision for your daughter to reengage with you is not yours to make. There are a lot of reasons why your daughter will or will not return your efforts. There is no doubt you live with some regrets. Do you think giving away your car will remove these regrets? I believe that at some time in the future, if your daughter decides not to reengage, you will only have added bitterness to regret.

As I said, you are on the right track. Continue your attempts at reconcilliation. In the mean time, try to be the best father you can be to your other chidren. If you eldest daughter comes around, then great. If not, look to celebrate your other children, and let your daughter know that if she ever has need, you will be there for her.

My most important lesson in life, never live for regret. It is only self destructive.

Sincerely

Eric Read

What a wacky story to post on the 914 board. Anyways, Rick (et al) is right about trying to force a relationship in 3 months. That sounds like a horrible idea.

Plus, it sounds like your being amazingly selfish. What does your daughter want? It sounds like she probably a good father who raised her from 7 on, why drag her through this pain now?

If you'd like to start a relationship with her, great, but just make yourself available if that's what she wants, but otherwise, I'd let her reach out on her terms. If she doesn't want to in 3 months, 3 years, or 10 years, I think that's her choice. I know when I was 19 years old I certainly wouldn't have wanted to deal with something like this.

The typical reply about anyone outside this 914 arena would be anyone who didn't care for their 7 year old daughter no matter when it happened must be " insert your own bad word here".
On SIG's like this one, those who do same interest postings are going to be too buddy buddy blind to express honest opinions. Age is no excuse if you father a child and don't care for them from birth till their adult age.

Cool

We all make mistakes in our lives. I don't think we need to judge anyone on what they have done in the past. Especially something you have no first hand knowledge of. Weather or not you agree with the decision he made 12 years ago or not. At the time he thought it was the best thing for his child. He did not drop her off at the state's door. He left her with a loving family he knew could give her the love & care she needed. Unless you were in his shoes don't blast him for doing this. I think it took a hell of alot of guts & had to of been one of the toughest decisions anyone can make. So how about not blasting him for it .

As far as getting to know your daughter again. As mentioned it needs to be on her terms. If you have not had contact with her much of that 12 years this may be very tough. I have personal experience with this as a child & would be happy to address this in a PM if it would help. I would consider changing the title & moving this to the Sandbox. Wishing you the best Billy

Blasting nobody. Mistakes. I make them too.
12 years is a very long time to suddenly become aware of all those emotions young children must surely feel when given away even to a relative.
Like I mentioned in the post, this is a buddy based web page so when others outside this world do something, they catch the wrath of this world for something as mundane as the make of car with big pipes they drive.

Isn't really any of my business so I'll stand on my own ground as a parent and just see who we, the 914 interest group really are.
As someone said, this doesn't belong since we don't know all that happened in the 12 past years but shouldn't since this is not the place to discuss family issues such as being dissed.
Ask this be removed.

MikeCool

It is never too late to try to make things right. We all make mistakes. It is what we do about them that makes the fabric of who we are...

Good luck... Go gently and don't expect her to just run to you. I guarantee she is confused and doesn't know what to feel. It may even be nothing because that is the defense she has built.

Billy, first of all, my prayers are with you and all of your family as you go through this. I have two girls, almost 8 and almost 4. I can not begin to imagine, nor do I want to, what life would be like if my wife suffered the type of injury that you described. No one here is in a place to judge you, and I would not bother reading any of the posts that go in that direction.

You are a good man. If you weren't, you would not have done what you are doing now. Let your conscience be your guide, and open up to it. Try to put yourself in her shoes and listen to your other daughters, as they know her, and they know what it is like to be a 19 year-old girl. You can and WILL make this happen. It will take hard work, and you will most likely never have the type of relationship you dream about, but you can make a relationship happen if you open yourself up and listen to what she has to say. I am certain that a lot of it will not be pleasant, but if you keep an open heart and convince her that you love her, that you are now here for her and are here to stay, she will come around. Do not try to buy her things. She will not respect that. She needs you to prove to her that you are sincere, and the only way to prove that is by staying in touch with her under her terms.

I agree with the others. Giving your car away is BS, and as far as I am concerned, this borders on malpractice for whomever is giving this advice. Let's look at the consequences. If you fail to meet your stated goal (which is not entirely, or even largely within your control), you not only suffer the pain of failing on the goal, which is substantial, but also the pain of losing a material object that means a great deal to you. How in the hell does that accomplish anything? Psychologically speaking, it makes no freaking sense at all. In fact, it could foster sub-conscience resentment toward your daughter, which is what you absolutely want to avoid. Get away from these people, and fast.

Ken

This kind of reminds me of that Yes Man movie with giving the car away. Hope it all works out for the best for you. If you need some one to be the "A hole" in this to motivate you I will play the part and pull for Me getting the car. But do know Im for you getting at least a talking relationship going and building from there.

Now back in charector. So how much work is left on my new car???

First off, not having been thru anything remotely like what you are doing, I have no qualifications or reason to even have an opinion, but I do anyway.

It is FANTASTIC that you are looking to re-connect.
Risking something important to you makes this real.
(although I agree with bigken, this could come back to bite you in several ways)

Having a timeline is an amazingly bad idea. Relationships move at their own rate.

While having a grand goal will push you to performance, it can also make you desperate to achieve it, which in a relationship, can cause more harm than good.

Baby steps. Maybe a good 90 day goal is to still be in contact with her, by phone, mail, or email. Shoot for lunch or a cup of coffee by the end of the year. Do this for the goodness of the relationship, not a timeline. A "pure" goal, no matter the time to achieve it, is a better one. In my opinion.

Story tme: My niece was married to a guy for 2 yrs. In that time, he: didn't pay on the house, using the $$$ to pay on his charge card for internet porn, cheated on her, and tried to hide income on their taxes. (she probably should have been watching things a little closer, I don't put it all on him.) In the last 2.5 yrs that they have been split, she has not been able to get off the house loan, negotiated away 3 forclosure attempts by the bank, worked with state and local taxes getting herself off the hook for over 15K he owed. Point of the story: Its taken her longer apart from him to undo the bad, than they spent together. If she set a timeline to have this all straightened out, she would be badly disappointed.

Moral: What you are doing is a great thing, if done for the right reasons- to re-connect. If you are doing it to prove to yourself you can, and not 100% for her, re-think things and kiss the 914 goodbye. Relationships move on their own timeline.

I expect this is a hard and confusing time for you. Relax. Enjoy the process of re-connecting. Maybe the process is more important than the goal? Do the right thing for the right reasons, take your small victories, give it time, things will work out as they will.