Stevo
Full Version: OT: MikeZ
Did you delete the post? Send me that. We just got our first edition EM's and I want to show the boss what he forgot.
Stevo
Stevo
Sorry....figured it was a yawner as there were 60 views and no responses....
THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
BY "ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER"
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
nonemployees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early. Lament and tear your hair out on your own time.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the bowl empties, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category.
Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.
THE GOVERNATER
THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
BY "ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER"
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
nonemployees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early. Lament and tear your hair out on your own time.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the bowl empties, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category.
Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.
THE GOVERNATER
That's great!! Thanks.
Hmmm... that resembles my boss quite a bit.
Vacation, sick leave, lunch, and bathroom breaks are the work of the devil and should be banned. If it weren't for that darned government mandating all of this stuff, we could be SO much more productive. And anything that can wait until tomorrow, might as well be done today, on top of today's work, which really should have been done yesterday in the first place. And oh yeah, you really should do tomorrow's work today too, because there's no time like the present.
Vacation, sick leave, lunch, and bathroom breaks are the work of the devil and should be banned. If it weren't for that darned government mandating all of this stuff, we could be SO much more productive. And anything that can wait until tomorrow, might as well be done today, on top of today's work, which really should have been done yesterday in the first place. And oh yeah, you really should do tomorrow's work today too, because there's no time like the present.
I like it...went to go show it to the guys at work and there it was gone.
Old news Mike. I got that in an email a long time ago. 
QUOTE(Cricket @ Jun 9 2004, 12:02 PM)
Old news Mike. I got that in an email a long time ago.
So what? Some of us didn't get that email.
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