A police officer pulls over a motorist, walks up and knocks on his window.

Officer: "Sir, your eyes seem to be bloodshot - have you been drinking?"

Citizen: "Office, your eyes seem to be glazed - have you been eating donuts?"



I can't take credit for this - I just heard it on the radio in a promo piece for this week's Pairie Home Companion show. It made me smile.

What do you get when you put six ducks in a box?



















A box of quackers!!

Mr and Mrs Wong are expecting a baby. The time comes and they hurry to the hospital for labor. mrs wong delivers the child but doesnt see it as they take it away to be cleaned etc....

the nurse comes back and a baby is wrapped nice and tight in a blanket. Mrs wong opens the blanket to see her childs face....its a white child, "this cannot be, two WONGS dont make a WHITE!



what did they name their child?











Sum Ting Wong

Usually when the come tapping on my window it is "Ah Mr. Root....."

Big fan of little Johnny. Stop me if you've heard this one.

It's pretty clean. Just a bit of biology.

Little Johnny is at the zoo with his mom. They stop by to see the elephants and Little Johnny is quite impressed when the big Bull elephant turns sideways.

L.J.: Hey mom, what's that thing hangin' down from the elephant?

Mom: Well Johnny, that's the elephants trunk!

L.J.: No mom, the other end. What's that big long thing hangin' down?

Mom blushes, she knows where this is headed.

Mom: Well Johnny, that is the elephants tail!

L.J.: Noooo mooooom, that big long thing, there between his legs.

At this point Johnny's mom has an audience of other zoo patrons and is really turning red as her son makes a bit of a scene.

Mom: Oh Johnny, that's, well, that's Nothing!!!

A few days later Little Johnny and his Dad are watching tv, and a National Geographic program comes on, showcasing elephants. Again, Little Johnny sees a side view of a big bull elephant and has to ask....

LJ: Hey Dad, what's that big long thing hangin' down from the elephant.

Dad gets it right away.

Dad: Well Johnny, that is the elephants penis!!

LJ: Really Dad? But at the zoo, when I showed Mom, she said "that was Nothing!!".

Dad smiles.

Dad: Well Johnny......... your mother is spoiled

Ok, I'll play

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

ring *** ring-g-g-g-g*** pick up***
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
" No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey! "
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead on the driveway."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool - but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
*** more pause****
Then Daddy says, " Swimming pool????...................... Is this 555-7039?

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following
a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While
sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table.Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The
waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those
are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, a
delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said,
"What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an
order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one
serving per day because there is only one bull fight each
morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order,
we will be sure to save you this delicacy"! The next
morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then
that evening he was served the one and only special
delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his
platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I
saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders
and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Our leader which art in Redwood City,
Callous be thy way,
Thy Forum come, thy will be done,
Here, as it is on Pelican.

Take this day our political discussions,
And forgive us our extreme opinions,
As we forgive others,
And lead us into platitudes,
But deliver us from intellectual masturbation.

For thine is the server, the power, the decision,
Forever.

Karmen

slits had some of miles's pills

That's low. <_<

I can see it now... a thread that is supposed to be clean jokes gets locked because it turns political!

Q. What do you call a dead blonde girl in a closet?

A. Hide and go seek champion, 1996.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven.

One muffin says "Man, it's hot in here!"

The other one screams "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

what did the pig say out in the hot sun.....




Im bakin! (bacon)

Where does the general keep his armies?




















in his sleevies


ooof that was bad

Can I say "a$$h*le" on here? Hmmm... well here goes, hope I don't get in trouble.

A guy was cruising down a nice twisty highway, enjoying the drive. As he passes under an overpass, he sees a motorcycle cop up top running radar. The cop jumps on his bike and proceeds to chase him down.

When he pulls over, the cop comes up and asks him "why are you in such a hurry?"

"I'm on my way to work," the guy replies.

"Work? What kind of work do you do?" asks the cop.

He replies, "I'm an a$$h*le stretcher."

The cop asks, "An a$$h*le stretcher? What exactly do you do?"

The guy says, "well, at the meat packing plant, they have lots of parts that aren't normally used. What I do is I take the a$$h*les and work my fingers in them, and stretch them out until I can get my whole arms in there... then I stretch them out untill I can get a foot in there, and finally stretch it out to about 6 feet."

"SIX FEET!" the cop exclaims, "What do you do with a 6 foot a$$h*le"

The guy says, "well, you give it a radar gun, and put it on top of a highway overpass on a motorcycle..."


Brad

I'm sure the cop's eyes glazed over!

what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
























































a stick!

Please forgive me! But,

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?







NOTHING! She's already been told twice.



A MAN SHOULD NEVER HIT A WOMAN!

What do you call a hobo who keeps coming back?

A bum-erang.

KT

There's this unemployed handyman looking for work doo to door.

A rich homeowner says: " sure, I've got a project for you. Here's the paint. Will you paint my porch?"

the handy man agrees and goes to work.

In 30 mins the handyman returns happily to report completion.

the homeowner can't believe it, as the porch goes around the entire house and has tremendous detail.

the handyman leads the homeowner to his work as proudly declares: " I had plenty of paint, so I gave it two coats...But, it's not a Porsche, it's a FERRARI "!!!

KT

A rich beeyatch hears bad news from her Doctor......Doc says......not that he really cares.....she's a ritch beeyatch ya know.....you have cancer.......you will have have to have chemo, lose the hair and a colostomy.......


Oh MY GOD......I can't HAVE that........






I simply would never be able to find SHOES to match that horrid colored bag.......